The Sneer of Destiny

A boy and his dog

2011-12-19T00:06:00.001-08:00

The Cliffsetz Letter

2011-06-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

Bob Lefsetz is history.

But you all knew that, right? Sure, the Lefsetz Letter was fun, but who reads emails now? Major labels read emails -- and major labels aren't making money.

Look at Jeff "Skunk" Baxter. Onetime Doobie Brother, Steely Dan member and man with incredible facial hair.

Technology is important. Kids know that, fans of kids (NAMBLA) know that. Those who aren't using technology are not involved in the use of technology. It's as simple as that.

In the early 70s, I had a mustache. But I only had a mustache because mustaches were popular! They were cool and everyone grooving to the kick ass vibes the Doobies were putting down via the major labels was cool too. Nowadays, kids have mustaches to be funny -- like they don't even mean it. Just like technology.

Look at the shake weight. A whole bunch of them were sold. That makes the shake weight awesome!

One three sentence paragraph later, I'm over the shake weight. And, the shake weight itself is over. Why? Because it wasn't looking at the bottom line -- toning underarm flab. Sure, toning underarm flab was a thing women cared about back when men had serious mustaches. And, this new technology seemed just right for today's ironic underarm flab. But now it's all over. Because I said so.

So who wants to challenge me?

I'll just keep on writing Lefsetz Letters about the death of writing letters that challenge what I say.

Did you ever notice how one thing comes along, grows in popularity (thrives) and eventually dies? I haven't. But, I do want to be the Grim Reaper of trends. And technology. And mustaches.

MySpace.

"Takin' It To The Streets"

(If you're not familiar with the Lefsetz Letter: http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/ )

New Year's Resolutions 2011:

2011-01-02T20:35:00.000-08:00

1. Finally get accepted into the Bad Boy Club.

2. Figure out where babies come from. Then, start a hate group demanding that babies go back to where they came from and quit stealing our jobs!!

3. Respond to every suggestion made to me thusly: However many awesome possums it takes to achieve said scenario.

4. Successfully lobby the awarders of the Nobel Prize to finally, once and for all quit their passive-aggressive practices and include bells with their prize. I mean, what cheapskates!

5. Get more fabulous!

6. Become known as "Dave Clifford: a flash mob of one."

7. Create a new tincture blending spices from around the world; call it the Ethnic Cleanse.

8. Improve categorization of the two-dimensional spatiotemporal power spectra of light scintillation in remote sensing of the upper troposphere.

9. Start a book collection.

10. If the Bad Boy Club thing doesn't work out, at least get accepted into one of those car window decal families.

( Bonus: 11. Embrace and enact my new motto, "all the world is my locker room.")

A man makes an intense discovery

2010-08-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

The subtle poetry of the iPhone Google search...

2010-07-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

One of the most amazing and interesting aspects of modern technology is the ability to access information anywhere you are at any time. Of course, the best parts are those drunken nights out with friends when a conversation leads you to seek answers to questions right then and there. Thankfully, the Google app on the iPhone keeps a handy archive of your searches.

Here is a list of my recent Google app searches (no joke, these are all real):

food starting with ala

frequent cat vomiting

icehouse

ftw meaning

6 pack plastic rings

modal fabric

boating

us time zones map

baton rouge liquor law

baton rouge riverboat gambling

abscess

litmus test

square pegs cast

fleetwood mac

bridge bodies

bay bridge bodies

ludwig black beauty

hot tub girl diarrhea

gene wilder dead

forrest whittaker left eye

by jove meaning

The VSS Tour Diary - August 1995 - Part 1

2010-06-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I played drums in a band from Boulder, CO called The VSS. The band formed -- as the cliche of the era went -- "rising from the ashes" of Angel Hair in January 1995. I'd been on tour just a few times before, first in 1986 when my older sister drove my teenage band Deviant Behavior (none of us were old enough to drive) to play out of town in Salt Lake City, UT. Subsequent brief "tours" over the years lead to a yearning to explore and play every night. Luckily (perhaps), I liked to keep a journal of my daily life and relished creating specific journals for every tour. I continued this practice for several years, documenting every tour of my various bands until I finally tired of describing what I realized is an unchanging ritual of arrival, exploration, performing, getting drunk and moving on to the next town.

What follows is one of my journals from the second tour that The VSS embarked upon in August 1995. We'd toured the west coast in spring of that year, then concluded the trek from Colorado throughout the east coast in August, joined for much of it by our friends in Bare Minimum. This selection picks up in the second leg of tour... I believe the journal of the earlier tour has unfortunately been lost. Admittedly, a lot of this is largely uninteresting and peppered with inside jokes, but I do appreciate the honest glee of a young band discovering the world around them. I'd hope it's entertaining for anyone to read, but my main interest in posting this (and perhaps other tour journals) is to share it with those who were there, in our band, the bands we played with and longtime friends that we'd made some 15 years ago.

The VSS Tour Diary - August 1995 - Part 1

08/03: First day, late start out of Colorado, and yet Andy has been endued of the Coca-Cola company one free beverage of his choice. (See Andy's rendering, Appendix A, Fig. A) The kids of Rapid City, most notably the boys, appear like scared puppies with slouched shoulders and "don't look at me" whimper-faces. No wonder the girls here seem spazzy and boisterous.

Ed Gein himself is seated inside the Atomic Cafe with each eye glued to separate corners of the room. Probably scouring for new skin masks.

08/04: Prior to our set in South Dakota, Wendy-o-Matic (or whatever) treated our guests to her Captain-Kirk-boldly-going-to-smash-patriarchy poetic stylings. It was "special." Our performance was somewhat shy of dousing the audience in napalm, perhaps more like dipping them in a rich toffee coating. Nonetheless, undaunted we forge forth in new states of consciousness -- as Josh discovers himself seer of myriad psychic blockades. Awakening while Andy drives, Josh says in a syrupy voice, "Andy… look… out" and gestures toward the "couch" he imagines in the road before us. Fortunately for the safety of us all, said couch was actually a truck equipped with 4 tires and a V-6 engine and keeping pace quite nicely, thank you.

By this morning, we've killed damn near a million little bugs and flagrantly displayed their irksome little carcasses on the windshield. We're like serial killer, deaf to the screams of such pitiful creatures and with disturbing schadenfreude, continue to wreak such misfortune.

As I write this, Bob Medina, road management associate, is wearing a rather unusual sunglass attachment on his glasses, making him look, how you say… goofy. (see Appendix A, Fig. B.)

Todd is still sleeping, so I just can't make fun of him at this juncture. But opportunity is rife.

We're racing to Champaign, IL by tonight and it's quite a haul. Perhaps it'll all pay off in a wealth of Polish sausage and bad accents.

08/05: Last night's show in Champaign, IL was wonderfuck. Ever the do-gooders that we are, our beneficence extended to further the cause of parrying white man's guilt and "liberate" a death row Black Panther from the assaultive, murderous U.S. legal system and its capitalist microwave oven world of tasty strudel buns that cook in seconds and have a delectably sweet frosting which glides across your tongue. Yes, assuring that none of us are free until we ALL are able to wear little round glasses and ponytails, until we ALL are of the understanding that what's mine is everyone else's and until we ALL hear Tracy Chapman and yelp, "yes, I've been a bad boy!" We played for a handful of folks -- some of whom regarded our performance as "phenomenal." Indeed.

On to further phenomena, this morning I bore witness to to the traumatic Great Peanut Butter Eruption of '95, which entails my jar of PB spilling all over the inside of our cooler. Eeeewww. Placing myself somewhat proximate to "the wagon" last night, we enjoyed beer, many of which Bob enjoyed "one." The friendly fellow on the porch waited for Braid pals to arrive. But as he sensed our insatiable need to drink HIS Schlitz, he decided to relocate. I believe it was downstairs. Sadly, his friends never arrived so that we could tell them he was downstairs. However, let the record show, the tweaker went downstairs with Schlitz.

08/06: Shi-KAAH-goo, IL. Fireside Bowl. The city was alive with rock action, but thankfully a warm fistful of folks came, watched and consumed goods. Probably even threw around words like "rad". Foo Fighers at the Metro, Flat Duo Jets at Lounge Ax, Laughing Hyenas at Empty Bottle and Braid at Fireside Bowl. Tough choices, but the kids knew -- Nathan Todd Corbett was in town.

We had Pad Thai and I flushed from niacin mixing with the spices and felt like absolute dogma. Today's journey involves a long drive to Pennsylvania and the house of Hughes. Since this Indiana highway is so well maintained I'm forced to stop writing for now.

08/10: After a 3 day rest stop at the Hughes compound for food, beer, movies and hi-fivin' jocularity, we're back in action. We went cliff jumping in a damp pile of algae. I sussed out and couldn't get myself to make the high jump. We did DC-Philly-back-again kicking' it smooth in the Boyz II Men style. I got a cymbal case and new 23" cymbal from Darren 454 whose vow to "set me up" came through.

Our show in Phillydelphia was wicked A. It was inside an old church in the pulsing, throbbing heart of the city. We played rather well, probably due to the dearth of fay-barette Oly-rock yawn-fest bands who played before us. My new makeup was pretty runny by the end. Andy is now carrying a comb to maintain his perfunctory coiffure. We sold a fair amount of stuff -- especially for a band with an invisible 7". Thanks Jeff.

Today, we're 100 miles and running for the burgeoning villa of Kane, PA. At least Los Crudos is also playing, so there may be a few persons in attendance. We don't mind if they're all related, as long as none of us are told we have a pretty mouth. Road production associate Medina has left with Patricia and Charlotte Kay, along with his fortune amassed in Colorado Krew compilations.

08/11: Nathan Todd Corbett, road companion associate, is resting oddly contorted & comfortable next to me, on his big fluffy, comfy pillow. Nathan seems either very sleepy or deeply contemplative of his lot in life. Mmmmmm… probably the former. (See Figure C, Appendix A for my artist's rendering.)

08/12: Fuck emo! We played a Food Not Bombs "benefit" with Los Crudos in Kane, PA. It turned out okay, but it was a harsh surprise to discover we'd driven all that way in order to just feel the joy in our hearts and the clumpy vegetarian spaghetti in our stomachs. Somehow, these kids haven't learned how to cook rice and spaghetti. It took them 4 hours to prepare. Less punk, more home economics.

Pittsburgh was also an unusual event. The show was at the VFW hall filled with drunken vets who seemed to honestly love The VSS. Oh, and Pittsburgh sucks. It's constructed atop a gigantic sweat gland, which accounts for its constant stench and dampness. There seem to be a wealth of "everything's cool, man" balding college dudes and "I'm sorry for breathing" emo kids.

08/14: The VSS "tone 'n' shape" program in the Long Island YMCA was a success with healthy minds and teen fitness buffs. The floor was bouncing up and down as we played, and my drums kept leaning over and bobbing to and fro, adding quick reaction to my workout regimen. Anyhoo… Todd doesn't stink (for now.) The van's running. We're gonna foray into the oblique maelstrom of NYC today for a look at their goodies and to administer good cheer to the lowly beings haunting her streets. Ayn Rand would be so displeased. The Chairman of the Board says he'll keep some cocktails chilled, and if we can make it there, we'll make it anywhere. Somehow, I'm not convinced. His data may be slightly skewed.

It's hot, yet fairly dry here… which is a nice change from Pittsburgh's spongy saturation. Perhaps one of the neighborhood children will see fit to open a fire hydrant upon the streets. Living archetypes, another in a series.

We seem very out-of-place in this NY-area scene, since so many of the kids dig the plod of mighty behemoth (see Appendix A, Fig. D) and we sound like its eradicators (see Appendix A, Fig. E).

Alas, such is our lot. Tonight's show seems auspicious, however, for these crackling' rosies, we're bound for a hot August night.

08/16: We played last night at the Rye Coalition "last show till recess" drunkest, and pulled the damp performance of the year. T'was a sauna. The night before at John Hiltz's house wasn't as impressive save for Andy Lee Roth's glorious McTwist "launch" from his cabinets -- which was actually more like him kicking them over. The kids were "stoked". A post-set swim/clothes laundering in the pool was appropriate. Mssr Hiltz is indeed one fine fellow.

Anyhoo, back to Rye. In this seaside town, that they forgot to burn down -- Tom's River, NJ -- an amassing of effulgent and heat-emitting youth rendered the evening ass-kicking. Rye sounded quite stacked from upstairs, but it was way too hot and sweaty inside to venture downstairs for more than seconds at a time. Afterwards, we placed libidinous portions of spirits into our bodies with the overly liver-endowed Bare Minimum. I'm feeling just a bit hung-über after all the drinking damage incurred. Beginning with a harmless -- even accommodating -- 40oz. beer beverage, further steps presented their necessity upon imbibing the remains of Anthony's Crazy Horse malt. (See Appendix F, Figs. A & B).

I added an oil can size Labatt's Ice to the ruction (see again Appendix F, Fig B). However, the Bare Minimum mania for torture remained unsatiated. So, we concocted several cups of stomach-razor gin & juice (see Appendix F, Fig. C). I must be retarded.

To be continued...

Separated At Burnt?

2010-06-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

The "Touchdown Jesus" statue in Ohio that was hit by lightning and burned down to its inner structure seems to bear a strange resemblance to another prophetic martyr, no?

Before:

What's the Status?

2010-03-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

People of Earth, I give you a compendium of previous Twitter posts and status updates:

You can make nearly anything sound gross just by putting the word "meat" in front of it.

I don't need a weatherman to tell me what time it is.

According to basic algebra, you have to be part of the problem to be part of the solution.

I'm building a homemade f-bomb.

I wonder if throughout history, just before the collapse of every successive civilization, everyone had their own DJ night. I know Nero did.

Cause of death is not yet unknown.

Is it true they got rid of the public health care option because of the controversial "mustache rides" clause?

Headline love: Arctic May Hold Twice the Oil Found There. ..Isn't that kind of like saying the unmeasured may be twice as big as estimated?

I'm reducing my cabrón footprint.

I wish there were a way for my pets to let me know they've had enough cocaine.

Phil Spector sentenced to 19 years and only 2 crazy wigs

Brushed and flossed like there's no tomorrow because I love surprises.

The hungover lawyer pleads mea gulpa.

Everybody likes hamburgers.

Logging on to MySpace is like waking up in a post-apocalyptic world that was destroyed by bad bands and Macy's giftcards.

I'm taking a cue from the cat world. Next time I go out to dinner and my food is being served, I'll headbutt the serving tray.

Latino dudes with "Playa" emblazoned on your car: are you declaring yourself a beach?

Does anyone have a good recipe for Humble Pie? I keep adding way too much dill weed.

This Pottery workshop is kiln it!

I just designed the most kick-ass 2013 Mayan calendar. Mayans, order them today!

Medicine is the best laughter.

Whoa! There was just not an earthquake! Did anyone just feel completely nothing happen?

I wonder, at what temperature do Kindle readers burn? Should we change Fahrenheit 451's title? Is the product's name befitting book burning?

Favorite accidental Zen typo of the day: "life is to short."

I just updated my faceplant status.

MTV and VH1 went from playing music 24-7 to only playing one note -- that middle-C swear-word bleep tone.

I've figured out that if you play Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album while watching "The Wall" it kinda totally syncs up.

What if the vegans were right all along? What then?

There are no stupid questions, only stupid needs for answers.

Live blogging my shower. Water is reaching good temp. About to go in.

In shower now. Phone getting ssteamy. Fhuds dff dgttyyh. Ffgdsth hhhg

Live showerr: iPhone harded to holbb than soappp. Fjhg. Hhhuurr?

Two words that just don't sound good together: food truck.

Tonight on 'Everybody Loves Raydiohead' it's a very special episode of the watch what you want sitcom. Thom attempts to jump Los Angeles.

I'm thinking about trying out for Jay Reatard's band. Mainly because I'm curious if the audition process involves a golden shower.

Forget spirit animals. I want to know: what is my airbrushed t-shirt animal?

Totally killing it at this brunch.

The Balloon Boy reality show has an exciting new spinoff: Jail Dad.

I have 265 Google Search invites. Who wants one?

I wonder if Adobe sent its employees pink slips as PDF attachments.

Remember to vote Yes on "No to Anti-Affirmative Negation" reinstatement reform.

We Were Promised Fanny Packs. #BandNamesForBands

Haven't seen any sloganeering to the contrary lately, so I'm gonna assume that mean people no longer suck.

Psychic vision number 1274: Eric Clapton farts, then leans into it, waving the aroma gently to his face.

What's wrong with kids today? Why isn't there a retro-90s British hipster dance band called The Fanny Packers?

Wet Clean Up In Aisle Me. #potentialselfhelpbooktitles

Mark my words: Joe Piscipo is going to sweep the Oscars tonight!

Is my cat vomiting everywhere disgusting, or is she just 'establishing her brand'?

Applebees: two great tastes that don't taste so good together. What's the secret to their success?

I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT WATCH THE OSCARS! I've got not-watching-the-Oscars fever!

Jokes about the Big Bang: too soon?

Still makes me giggle every time I see the misspelling: Sid Viscous

I'm going to address the elephant in the room, and tell it to stop painting those stupid self-portraits.

Awesome! I totally wanted to get some new plants: http://molestationnursery.com

I'm not so much a nervous wreck as a nervous fender bender.

Why do I hate Microsoft software? Because I don't believe in Wizards.

Racking my brain trying to remember which episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that Fugazi played on.

I hate being called "boss" by convenience store clerks. If it's necessary to be sycophantic, let's go with "Your Majesty."

Yo, birds! I'm sick of cutting up 6-pack plastic rings into bite-sized pieces. Chew your own meals... I don't see you teaching us to fly.

Wondering... is my name too ethnic sounding?

I repeat: Tim Burton, please just give it a rest. We get it. Fairytales are creepy; hold on to our childlike sense of wonder. Duly noted.

Ah, Super Bowl Sunday -- the #1 day of the year that false statistics are at their peak.

I didn't realize not letting the sun go down on me was an option. LA neighbors, nighttime is cancelled starting today.

That one day everyone refers to as "back in the day" must've been pretty crazy. LIke a Big Bang of stuff being better than now.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for blood.

Not one film exec has green lighted my idea for a new 3D blockbuster: BENATAR

One of these days, training this cat to make me pancakes is going to pay off.

Someone named Purchase Viagra is really making a stand in the petition to save Clifford's Tower in York, UK. http://www.cliffordstower.com/

The three certainties in life: death, taxes and fake Coachella poster "leaks"

Please join me in squirting out a packet of Fire sauce today in memory of Taco Bell founder Glen Bell Jr.

Live Faust, die Jung.

Home schooling is killing the schooling industry.

Home eating is killing the restaurant industry.

Has anyone tried this crazy drug that all the celebs are doing called Natural Causes? It sounds dangerous.

Don't tase me, bro!

Apparently my cat doesn't like it when I sing "Who Let The Dogs Out" in her face.

I'm DJing tonight @ home. Sit at your place and imagine what I'm playing. I'll be having drink specials from 7 to 10:30, and 10:31 to 2am.

Everything comes in waves. Particularly the ocean.

I'd like to see the Family Circus map of last night's events.

Let's face it, gents. We'll never be as cool as Keith Richards.

Tonight on Dexter: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

Previously on Dexter: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

The script for Dexter Season 5 has leaked: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

I've been hired to write Season 6 of Dexter. Spoiler alert: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with a guy.

Forget spirit animals. I want to know: what is my airbrushed t-shirt animal?

In the future everyone will be rumored dead for 15 minutes. ... And then eventually dead forever.

Today's Charlie Watts drum fill: duuunnka duuunnnka duuuunnka.... pssssshhhhhhh.

Instead of taking anti-oxidants, I'm quitting oxygen.

"Couldn't agree more" is just a stupid way of saying "I agree." "Couldn't care less" is a stupid way of saying "I don't care."

Is it possible to be sensibly in favor of Coco Puffs, or do you have to go the whole "crazy" route?

Tonight on 'Everybody Loves Raydiohead' it's a very special episode of the watch what you want sitcom. Thom attempts to jump Los Angeles.

Two words that just don't sound good together: food truck.

Seriously: some stuff. Rigorous. Stuff.

I cut myself shaming.

Alchemist humor: he who smelt it, dealt it.

1 cross + 3 nails = 4-ensics.

Sometimes I have nightmares that all those piccolo snares from the 90s are chasing me.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid needs for answers.

I love anthropomorphized natural phenomena: “This is a very angry fire." -- LA County Fire Deputy. http://bit.ly/MZmda

So proud I can say that I'll be playing a show with Danzig. TIme to stock up on Milk Duds and ice water.

Tonight's moment of typo-Zen: "letting the excitement run lose."

Media people: can we collectively find a better word than "leaks"? ...how about dribbles?...sprinkles? ... wafts?

Mellow Metal

2010-02-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

The time is right, the time is now: Easy listening metal:

Screaming For Vangelis

Ride The Lightfoot

Barry Manowar

Bach In Black

...Anne Murray For All

Blizzard of Osmonds

Seasons In The ABBA

Shout At the Don Ho

At Warwick with Satin

Humperdincking The Chapel

Percyful Faith

New Year's Resolutions 2010:

2010-01-03T15:28:00.000-08:00

1. One word: BODYSUIT

2. Finally get around to putting that "No Fat Chicks" bumper sticker on my car. I'm sick of all these fat chicks not knowing where I stand on this issue.

3. No excuses: get Ugly Kid Joe back together.

4. Take a picture of someone. Then, stare at them longer than the picture lasts.**

5. Become the first to literally eat someone out of house and home.

6. Cut down on doing more of fewer things less of the time.

7. Invent perverse sex acts with the following names:

Moons Over My Hammy

Federal Express

The Frowndango

Exploding Plastic Inevitable

The Twinkie Defense

The Fugue in A Minor

Microblogging

Making Ringtones

8. Somehow, someway become the subject of a "Hitler reacts to..." video.

9. Finally admit to the world: I let the dogs out.

10. Get it all sordid out.

** Note: this may take more than one year to complete.

It's Terminal

2009-07-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

How Goth is That?

2009-06-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

For once and for all, I am not goth. Perhaps this may help clear up any misconceptions.

"Yes, they're real"

2009-06-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

I think, yeah, this is probably the best headline ever:

Air Force pounds MILF lairs with rockets.

http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=475584&publicationSubCategoryId=63

Fine Dining

2009-06-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever eaten here?

More Headline Love

2009-06-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, the life/death counterbalance in this headline alone is quite impressive:

Pregnant woman gets life for drug smuggling

Pre-Teen Nightmares

2009-05-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

Why aren't music videos freakishly surreal insanity-vignettes anymore? This video used to give me nightmares. Watch this video and imagine being 11-years-old at home alone on a Friday night around midnight:

Watching that video was what I thought it was like to do acid.

Another video that added to my early psychosis was this li'l gem. Unfortunately, embedding is disabled, so you have to click the link. I know how we all hate such grueling physical labor, but it's worth it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs1_NQrgZ8w

I Think I Speak For All of Us on This One...

2009-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

http://drums-percussion.musiciansfriend.com/product/Pearl-Anarchy-Cowbell?sku=446795

How To Rekindle Your Love of Life:

2009-05-17T13:48:00.001-07:00

Step One: Homemade breakfast burrito.

Quality Control

2009-05-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

Cliffoda Quality Control Department issues internal statement regarding being at a bar on a work night:

Here's a bizarre recent IM exchange with Earthlink customer support. One day I found that I couldn't log on to my email account because my password had been changed. No one from Earthlink had notified me that they were changing my password for me. Apparently, I was supposed to receive a confirmation email of my new password... being sent to the email address to which I couldn't log in "informing to there" customer of this change.

Let's see how my new pal, Sergio H of Earthlink explains the matter:

Sergio H: Thank you for the account verification information. I was able to verify your account.
Sergio H: If I view the password in our database, you will receive an email stating that an EarthLink representative has viewed your password. Do I have the permission to view your password?
cliffoda: yes
Sergio H: The password for the email address cliffoda at earthlink.net is *****
cliffoda: huh?
cliffoda: is this a new password generated by you?
Sergio H: The password was changed by our abuse department automatically in order to protect your account from spammers.
Sergio H: EarthLink will not change the password without informing to there customers.
cliffoda: no one informed me of that
Sergio H: It was changed automatically by our abuse department.
Sergio H: So that you will not face the issue in future with spammers.
cliffoda: those two sentences make no sense
cliffoda: EarthLink will not change the password without informing to there customers.
cliffoda: It was changed automatically by our abuse department.
cliffoda: ???
Sergio H: Yes.
cliffoda: why didn't the abuse department notify me?
Sergio H: That is correct.
Sergio H: As the password is changed you will receive confirmation email from abuse department.
cliffoda: oh really? And when would I receive that email... not to mention HOW would I receive it if I can't log into my account?
Sergio H: As the password is changed now, you will receive the confirmation email within 12 to 24 hours.
cliffoda: you're not answering my question
Sergio H: Now you can login to your email account as you have the correct password.
cliffoda: so, the password that I've used for nearly 10 years was changed for me, without notifying me whatsoever. I am supposed to contact Earthlink support in order to find out that you changed my password for me?
Sergio H: As the password is changed you will receive the error message regarding password incorrect.
Sergio H: You can also check the password by login to My Account page.
cliffoda: ahem... LOGIN
cliffoda: how would I check the password IF I COULDN"T LOG IN?!?
Sergio H: Yes.
Sergio H: I am sorry for the confusion.
cliffoda: why was I not allowed to change my own password to protect me from spammers?
Sergio H: I am sorry as EarthLink donot change the password manually, it was done by abuse department, and once you receive the confirmation email from abuse department, they will specify all the reason how and when exactly they have to change the password.
cliffoda: Funny. What if I hadn't contacted the support center to find this out? This "confirmation email" would've gone to the account to which I couldn't log in. This is like the phone company turning off my phone and telling me that I'll get a confirmation phone call in 24 hours letting me know that it's turned off.
Sergio H: I apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.
Sergio H: Let me know if you have any further queries for me to be resolved.
cliffoda: nope.
cliffoda: it's been a blast Sergio.

Image Search

2009-04-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, some of the most seemingly prosaic and banal things can offer some of the most entertaining distractions. Case in point, the Google Image Search. Try whatever random words or phrases that come to mind, try your own name (make sure you have "safe search" turned off) -- most of the time, the results can be truly magnificent. Here are a few of my favorites:

Money

Cookie+Monster

McDonalds

Teeth

Cocaine

Nuns

Bruise

Swastika

Ronald McDonald

My Weekend Beat Up Your Weekend.

2009-03-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

The scene of the crime.

The murder weapons.

Preparing to do battle with Palm Springs Costco.

Meet meat.

Photographers' showdown.

Hog Leg.

Nicole vs. Salmon.

Soaking into the abyss.

J. and Julia vs. Birthday cake.

J. and Mike, following Melanie's lead, attempt to slip into other dimension.

The landmark case of Busch vs. Burger Bun, 2009.

Sweet respite.

Reaped From the Headlines!

2009-03-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

It's time for another round of "Ripped From the Headlines" -- actual news headlines, you know, about newsy things.

God 'will not give happy ending'

Fun doesn't have to stop for bad economy
Uh-uh, the bad economy is having all the fun it can get! (Apparently, others thought this headline read poorly and CNN since changed the headline on the story archive page.)

Charles Manson spends most of his time alone
He also spend 100% of his time in prison.

Eye of God pictured in space
I guess that pretty much answers some eternal questions.

American taste for soft toilet roll 'worse than driving Hummers'
This one's gone... damn.

Octopus pulls plug, floods aquarium

Reviewitude

2009-03-14T17:08:00.001-07:00

Apparently, I was a pretty curmudgeonly writer back in the glory days of Your Flesh magazine. I'm not exactly sure where one might get that impression, but here are a few favorites from the archives:

JONATHAN FIRE-EATER S/T CD EP
A rather transparent and unfortunate stab at a JSBX/NEW YORK DOLLS meld, with a singer whose David Johansen-esque paralysed-lip slurred vocals are as convincing as Keanu Reeves’ Shakespeare. Backed by a post-NATION OF ULYSSES basket of hacks plunking out “gritty” and “bluesy” irony (Ha! Rock’n’roll?....Clever!), the singer’s indolent pose and impotent muse serves considerable insult to his influences. In addition to fire, I suggest they eat shit. (PCP Entertainment) Dave Clifford

URGE OVERKILL Exit The Dragon CS
...And enter the cut-out bin. (DGC) Dave Clifford

DAHLIA SEED Survived By... CD
My problem with 'The Believers' is simple, yet duly heretic: anyone under pretense to be 'creating' a work of 'art' therefore endeavors to express an emotion and meaning directly relative to their own life, and therefore either succeeds or fails at articulating these details. From G.G. Allin to Ian MacKaye, from Frida Kahlo to Norman Rockwell, each have made works which serve to express some element of emotion relevant and crucial to their lives. Although some succeed in imbuing their art with more inspired/impassioned/pained/etc details than most, it is merely by their own ability to express powerful interpretations of human experience that such works represent more 'soul' or 'emotion' than commonplace art. By this token, the concept of 'emo' rock/core becomes entirely redundant. That is, if great effort is required of the artiste to 'come to terms' or 'summon the beasts within' to express something in their music, then perhaps it is because such trite schmaltz is borne of one's lack of emotional commitment to the artistic process in the first place. I give you DAHLIA SEED, a band whose relatively catchy DRIVE LIKE BJORK music stands well enough on its own, but is rendered absurd by the overbearing, forced and vapid "emotional" lyrical content. Granted, the lyrics are the result of vocalist Tracy Wilson's grappling with death-in-the-family and other commonplace tragedies and perhaps strive to reach to the, ahem, heart of such experience but seem so forced that I begin to wonder if they exist only because pain is just anything else to sing about. When she sings with strained vocal cords, "no one lasts long here" at what is supposed to be an impassioned crescendo, it just sounds so tastlessly forced that I shudder at the lack of passion in their music. Yes, there is pain in all of our lives, which is why art is social, but in turning emotion into an aesthetic as the entire 'emocore' scene (as well as PEARL JAM, Tori Amos, LIVE, et al) has, strives to authenticate human experience as kitch, and therefore nullifies the worth in such communication. The 'emotional' power of music is its ability to randomly touch other people's lives in an unusual communion of artifice and lived experience. Music ( and art in general) doesn't need to be about emotion, because it ought to involve it, and those who strive to saturate their music with posed emotion ought to be called out for the connivers they are. (Troubleman Unlimited) Dave Clifford

MISFITS Famous Monsters CD
Some may chuckle and chortle at the incredibly lame cover art and limp pop punk of the Caiafa brothers' revamped Misfits, but really the most laughable thing about these "famous monsters" is the Christian undercurrent spurred by chumpy vocalist, Michale Graves (who even stoops to thank God in his thank you list). Presumably, Mr. Graves is just earning a paycheck, hoping to open the minds of gloom-sodden youth with his message of hope underlying the dizzyingly flaccid sounds of former teenagers from Mars, Jerry Only and Doyle. Drummer "Dr." Chud (he's not a real doctor, nor is he a real Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller) fills in the muck with lackluster studio musicianship. What made the Misfits great was the band's penchant for overdriving and mutating traditional '50s rock'n'roll. They were low-budget, atavistic-fantastic mutant pop, just like the B-movies and schlocky horror movies they admired. Now, they're just another bland contemporary pop punk band on par with MXPX or Face to Face, but with "gloomy" ambiguous lyrics about fallen angels and reluctant saviors. Graves' tepid lyrics seem purposefully composed to sound "dark," but with enough ambiguous positivity for him to defend them on TV talk shows and in youth groups. It's like "The Exorcist" — intended to shock and titillate in order to deliver a pro-Christian message. Yuck. What's worse, for the multitude of kids hearing the Misfits for the first time (or thinking that they are pro wrestlers who just started a band), they get this, er, pallid imitation of the fiendish four. As much as I respect and admire Jerry and Doyle, without Glenn, these Misfits just fit in all too comfortably. [Roadrunner] Dave Clifford

LOOMER "Snowblind"/ "Superstar" 7"
So you printed your insert on resume paper? Sorry, the position of coy girl-pop has been filled by VERUCA SALT and the BREEDERS, but we'll keep it on file in case anything opens up. (Low Blow) Dave Clifford

TABLA BEAT SCIENCE Live in San Francisco at Stern Grove CD
Uggh. Just the name Bill Laswell makes me cringe. Knowing his penchant for the world-beatoff, limp production and his self-congratulatory high-profile, I knew this would be an ugly affair rife with excessive noodling and grotesque cross-cultural forced bonding. And, indeed, it is…Laswell, along with a familiar cast of jazzholes and some misled Indian tabla drummers, hosts this foray into everything that’s bad about free jazz, world fusion, rave culture and shithead yuppie-burnout public radio. I mean, “Beat Science”? Come on! Do these assholes really think that they’re bound to “discover” something heretofore unknown about drum beats? (Axiom Recordings) Dave Clifford

SPACEBOY Searching the Stone Library for the Green Page of Illusion CD
I’m hoping that their press kit’s attempt to portray the band as some kind of Black Metal vikings from fucking Santa Cruz, CA is just a joke. But, knowing the legacy of former B’last (Flag) vocalist – er, “Mystical Poetry” renderer — Clifford Dinsmore, I wouldn’t be surprised if Spaceboy thought themselves to be as legit as B’last (Flag)’s Ginn imitations. I mean, come on: “the natural surroundings of their home territories — including mighty mountains and deep fjords as well as dark forests and ruins [that’s Santa fucking Cruz, people] — have always meant a lot to the band. It was here that Spaceboy found their own sacred places, which they named Blashyrkh.” Uh-huh. Was that before or after a day of surfing and destroying? Anyway, musically, Spaceboy are just about as innovative and interesting as their press-kit hyperbole. Murky, heavy riff rock like a poor man’s Death Metal fills the CD, interspersed with attempts at the Mahavisnu Orchestra’s trippy jams. Guitarist Adam Cantwell played in an early incarnation of the Fucking Champs — a fact Spaceboy make abundantly clear in their packaging — but, there’s little of any guitar precision herein…it’s mostly just adequate heavy jam rock. Keep on searching that Stone Library dudes, but beware the Green Page of Illusion…I’m told it’s a plus-twelve Cleric, and your Dungeon Master just might fuck you up by reloading the Bong of Not Going to Practice. (Southern Lord, HYPERLINK http://www.southernlord.com www.southernlord.com) Dave Clifford

FLEX TIME Arriving At The Punk Scene CD
Arriving At The Punk Scene...really? Well, I was just leaving--take my seat. (some Japanese symbols record label) Dave Clifford

The Soul Cleansing Sounds Of...

2009-03-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

You know, I thought that I'd come up with a pretty comprehensive list of bad band names over the years -- see list here -- but this Dutch band really takes the, um, cake:

In fact, The Schytts, fittingly bedecked in matching brown outfits, seems like such an absurdity that I'd originally thought it was fake. Yes, smarmy smartasses, I do realize that they speak a different language and hence The Schytts could very well mean "The Strokes" in Dutch. I dunno. Irregardlessness, I did some investigating and discovered that The Schytts was indeed a real band from the Netherlands in the mid-70s. Check 'em out here:

www.myspace.com/theschytts

More Gore

2009-02-19T12:06:00.000-08:00

Ah, those glorious pre-teen years: the folly of youth, the awkwardly high voices and bad haircuts, the poorly executed special effects and blood stains on your clothes... What, you didn't make gore films when you were 13-years-old? Alright, well, my friend Mike Lauter and I were nerds, obsessed with David Cronenberg, George Romero, Tom Savini, Fangoria, zombies, EC Comics, etc. We started making Super 8 films every weekend from third grade on, starting with sci-fi battle stories (basically an excuse to practice stop-motion effects and use sewing needles to scratch "lasers" onto the film) and working our way into horror by fifth grade. We didn't have any money for a budget (unless we skipped lunches during the week), so nearly all of the make-up effects and props were made using household materials.

These are two such films, "The Gut Retcher" and "Land Of The Dead 2" that Mike and I made under the auspices of our More Gore Productions, with the invaluable assistance of any friends and neighbors that were available that day. Mike would usually direct, we'd "write" out the story lines together the night before and he would compose the soundtrack for each final film. To this day, Mike is still directing and scoring his own films. They're much, much better than these. We owed considerable thanks to Mike's parents who let us constantly mess things up in their house, garage and yard. And, also to Mike's dad, who shot the exploding (so-very-realistic-looking) zombie head with his shotgun. They must've thought we would grow up to be serial killers.

"Land of the Dead 2" -- you don't want to see part 1 -- starts at 2:05. It's much more, uh, sophisticated than "The Gut Retcher." And, how about that mohawk?

Eat, Eat, Emit - Repeat; Or, Transformed Latitudes

2009-02-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

This somewhat random graffiti seemed to effectively sum up the consumptive doldrums I've been feeling of late for the loving embrace of basic survival: eat, eat, emit.

This coupled with the imperium delirium of rampant paranoia and fear about Silverlake assaults, economic collapse, growing socio-economic tensions in Echo Park, the sky falling and myriad other Big Bad Wolves at the door -- it was the perfect time for a vacation!

Viva Casa Iguana.

Life's a beer commercial.

En Route. The "progress" map had Disneyland listed as an actual city.

Sunburnt, but unextinguished.

Waiting to dine at the waterfront from which inchoate ancestors crawled.

"OMG, it's you in a bathing suit!!" Get over it.

Quantity not Quality... or, "brain food" you know?

2009-02-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that I'm not "blogosphering" here quite enough. Well, thanks, I appreciate your loyal readership of my humble little brahhg, but I'm in it for the quality of posts, not the quantity. I've got a couple of new pieces I'm working on and they'll be up soon. In the meantime, I believe this is a fitting fast fix:

Denny's slammed by breakfast giveaway

A college student who identified himself as DeShawn told CNN affiliate KFSN-TV in Fresno, California, that he came out for the free breakfast "to do better in class -- brain food, you know?"

From top to bottom, inside and out, I don't think I've seen a more incredible slice of life in quite some time.

Ripped From the Headlines!

2009-01-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

At risk of evoking Jay Leno here, I've embarked upon collecting some of the absurd (for one reason or another) headlines that I see on RSS news feeds. These are actual headlines, no alterations made whatsoever... my comments in parentheses.

Black community denied water for years

Girls who go to church work harder

Colossal squid out of the freezer

Acid pain

Alcohol squad to target 10 towns

Tom Cruise says grew up wanting to kill Hitler

China added to space debris

Living with the white dust

Pope Benedict XVI says sexual abuse scandal caused him shame

The essential ingredients of a man cave

Russian wakes up after drinking binge to find knife in back

Penis theft panic hits city.

As Economy Slows, So Do Laser Eye Surgeries

A card sent by Anne Frank turns up in a Dutch antique shop

Whoever wins, prepare for a letdown

End of cheap

Parents warned about sleeping with infants

Should you really take those drug samples?

Recorded crime falls by 12% to five-year low
...(But unrecorded crime is at an all-time high!)

Livin' La Vida Photo

2009-01-18T16:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Target's Black Metal aisle.

...And far every other day.

I think I'm becoming someone else...

2009-01-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

(This is an odd little "short story" bit I found in an old journal, written in 1994...I think I knew what it meant back then.)

Mom and Dad are laughing as they comb your hair, and delight over hot-wired promises and southern stars too thick for constellations.

The months under quarantine, with eyes like glowing spires, the tickle of nothing waiting to welcome us seems natural to me. At least when you smile, and the sky smears across your glasses, you're stalled in transformation. It's hidden, out of my way, like mousetraps. At the same time, I still find myself on my knees, hungry for reservation. And, I'm still growing on the inside. Touched so soothingly by every cell's secret mutiny, I think I'm becoming someone else.

Is this the way you prefer I tell you? I know how you insist. But here even our fingernails are clean and everyone who coughs floats like trained horses.

I can feel it like little hints whispered with a thumb pressed to the back of my neck.

The Good Ol' Daves

2009-01-12T21:07:00.000-08:00

Way back in the early 1990's, while in college and living in the hippie repository called Boulder, Colorado, out of boredom, inspired by the jarring chaos of the L.A. riots and in some kind of existential crisis wherein I felt a necessity to fuck with the normals (as if they'd actually have their minds blown by something they couldn't understand) I ran for the university's student council under a false name and wearing a mask. The character's name was Brandon Panzram -- first name inspired by a lead character from the then popular teen drama Beverly Hills 90210 and last name by a longtime favorite serial killer, Carl Panzram.

A friend reminded me of this prank campaign recently and I "googled" the name, and found an article published in the student newspaper. Here's the full text:

####===================================================================####
Masked Radical Seeks Office
####===================================================================####

Article taken from the Campus Press, C.U.'s campus newspaper:

Masked Radical Seeks Office

By Michael Noe
Campus Press Staff Writer

A Masked man is mounting a campaign to "control and dominate" the
students of C.U., but he needs their support to do it.

Brandon Panzram, a senior philosophy and business major, is running
for one of five open positions as representative-at-large in the student
government Legislative Council.

Panzram (a false name) said he and 24 other members of his
"Mediocre Party" plan to unify and strengthen the student body by forcing
students to join their party or get "thrown out on some ridiculous charge."

"We will be able to manage larger-based control and domination from
the council," he said.

Panzram said he supports diversity and change, as the rest of the
candidates do. To ensure diversity, he said he wants to take people from
different segments of society and "corral them" to address their concerns
and problems.

Panzram said he wants to rid the campus of the business school and
art school.

His campaign flier asks, "are you in a band? Do you paint? You're
an artist?

"Art, along with God and culture, is dead. Creativity cannot be
taught, or even 'harnessed' as the pathetic art failures which teach it
will argue," the flier states.

He said he is using the spectacle of a false name and secret
identity to take over and dominate the media and eventually take control of
the student union.

Panzram said he would use the Imig Music building for blackjack
tables, since he advocates on-campus gambling. He would also use the
Sibell Wolle Fine Arts building for offices to retrain students who
"believe what they see and hear."

Other issues Panzram supports are:

- Declaring Tuesday Environmental Havoc Day.

- Declaring Thursday Vandalism Day.

- Requiring an all-school uniform. All students would be required to
wear "clean, pressed, logo-enhanced sexually androgynous work suits.

- Offering classes on how to maximize the efficiency of gun and drug
use.

More Band Names for Bands

2009-01-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

Band Names for Bands:

Gateway Doug

Picnic At the Disco

Genital Traffic

You're the Best!

Some Hip-Hop and rapper names:

Ms. PronunSHEayshun

Akshualitay feat. Evian and Tourniquet

Star Spangled Boner

Radical Posterior

Gnarlbog

Computers

Black CNN

Ebonic Plague

The Vagina Dialogues

Legal Anarchy

A Serious Trickle

Someone Still Loves You Phil Collins

Abraham Nixon

Parking Lot! Parking Lot! Parking Lot!
iGod
Mimebomb
The Tolerated
My Life In Lyrics

The Delicate Fratboy

The Barnacle Thing

Dimmu Borgnine

The Stereotykes
Delicious Mourning
Pickslide Epidemic

Don't Doubt the Dolphin

The Creative Juices
Explosions In This Guy

Fluffy Planets
Purple Retard
Revenge Gallon
Hair Poncho

Defiantly Interested
The Carcinojams
Rotator Cuspidor
Phalanx of Pheromones

Dick Justice

Jihad Is My Copilot
The Guynarcologists
Night Snacker
Three Car Pilaf
Blog Control Center

Male Pattern Blandness
Reggie Min and the Hard Workouts
The White Boy Soul Patch Revue

The Insufficient Funs
Safety!
Yesterday's Jews
Stevie, Nicks and Young

Fart

Gauge Against the Machine

We're With Stupid
Plus Sizes
The Old Testament
Night Danger

Corn
Van Hailing
Forensic Pizza
A Wise Investment
Sky Miles

Haluciphoning
It's Flag Day Somewhere

Scratch 'n' Sniff
The Bathed

Mmmmm... Breakfast
Throat Dangler

The Forget Me Nazis

Urinal Cruelty
Psychic Nutritionalist
Midwife Crisis
Religious Juice

Alice In Jeans

Pre-tard

The Wholetruth & Nothingbutt (a Rap duo)
Colloquialism
Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Al Quadi
Yesterday's Nuge
The Wedlocksmiths
Tedious Ex-Junkies & Their Stories
Back In the Noose
10,000 Flushes

Tardis

Gown Syndrome
Bush Approval
The Courage to Be Stoked
Present & A-Countried For (alt-country outfit)
The Fliered
Something Stinks
Older Than Jesus, Younger Than Sin
The Corduroy Pillows ("We're Making Headlines!")
Syndrome of A Down
The Google Search

The Truth About Hiking
Chocolate Science
Barf Time!
Make Me An Offer
Merch Victim
Clogged with Hair
Don't Tell My Parents
Who's Taller?
Liquid Pussy
Tumble Dry Low
Big Tobacco
Let's Try Video Poker
Logos for Losers
Rather Be Turquoise
Mall Caulk
Too Serious
Guitar Nectar
The Fortune In Sweat
Totally Feelin' It
Nazi Gold
I've Got Pants in My Angst
We Wear Band T-Shirts

Puberty
The Quaranteens
Totally Tired
The Forbidden Fruits
Ironica
Flesh Thanks!
Portal Party
Believe You Me
Sonograms Don't Lie
Danzig's Book Collection
Validation!
Mostly Money
Suicible Tendancies
The Sharp Fleshed Men
Mediocre
Respect For Dinner

Footless
 Escape From Underwear
 Marmed Mutton
 Solid Waste
 Neverland Raunch
 Huey Newton & the Lews
 Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo
 Bonnie Tiler

 Chocolate Science, the Aftermath
 Target Market
 Saffron's Not So Special
 Night Wife
 Adjusted Gross Income
 Venture Capital and the Uniform Accountancy Act
 Tommorrow's Another Word for You Ditched Our Show
  The Amplified 

Let's do this, people!

2009-01-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

To kick off my new blahg, I figured I might as well start off with my very own...

New Year's Resolutions for 2009:

Really, seriously, no fucking around this year: find that box of money

Live each day like it won't last

Ask someone who gives a shit

Get that fake baseball/golfball out of rear windshield

Finally reply to that Nigerian Prince's emails

Start every sentence with, "Considering the state of the economy..."

Vow to hunt down and waterboard torture anyone who mixes up your/you're as well as their/there/they're ...(because their fucked)

Determine with 100% certainty if I'm ticklish

Have my carbon footprint bronzed

Keep my friends close and my frenemies closer

Follow that Australian guy's lead and pay all my bills in spider drawings

Start a drunk driving steering committee

Take it to the limit, one more time