Sunday, August 8, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

The subtle poetry of the iPhone Google search...

One of the most amazing and interesting aspects of modern technology is the ability to access information anywhere you are at any time. Of course, the best parts are those drunken nights out with friends when a conversation leads you to seek answers to questions right then and there. Thankfully, the Google app on the iPhone keeps a handy archive of your searches.

Here is a list of my recent Google app searches (no joke, these are all real):

food starting with ala
frequent cat vomiting
ftw meaning
6 pack plastic rings
modal fabric
us time zones map
baton rouge liquor law
baton rouge riverboat gambling
litmus test
square pegs cast
fleetwood mac
bridge bodies
bay bridge bodies
ludwig black beauty
hot tub girl diarrhea
gene wilder dead
forrest whittaker left eye
by jove meaning

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The VSS Tour Diary - August 1995 - Part 1

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I played drums in a band from Boulder, CO called The VSS. The band formed -- as the cliche of the era went -- "rising from the ashes" of Angel Hair in January 1995. I'd been on tour just a few times before, first in 1986 when my older sister drove my teenage band Deviant Behavior (none of us were old enough to drive) to play out of town in Salt Lake City, UT. Subsequent brief "tours" over the years lead to a yearning to explore and play every night. Luckily (perhaps), I liked to keep a journal of my daily life and relished creating specific journals for every tour. I continued this practice for several years, documenting every tour of my various bands until I finally tired of describing what I realized is an unchanging ritual of arrival, exploration, performing, getting drunk and moving on to the next town. 

What follows is one of my journals from the second tour that The VSS embarked upon in August 1995. We'd toured the west coast in spring of that year, then concluded the trek from Colorado throughout the east coast in August, joined for much of it by our friends in Bare Minimum. This selection picks up in the second leg of tour... I believe the journal of the earlier tour has unfortunately been lost. Admittedly, a lot of this is largely uninteresting and peppered with inside jokes, but I do appreciate the honest glee of a young band discovering the world around them. I'd hope it's entertaining for anyone to read, but my main interest in posting this (and perhaps other tour journals) is to share it with those who were there, in our band, the bands we played with and longtime friends that we'd made some 15 years ago. 

The VSS Tour Diary - August 1995 - Part 1

08/03: First day, late start out of Colorado, and yet Andy has been endued of the Coca-Cola company one free beverage of his choice. (See Andy's rendering, Appendix A, Fig. A) The kids of Rapid City, most notably the boys, appear like scared puppies with slouched shoulders and "don't look at me" whimper-faces. No wonder the girls here seem spazzy and boisterous. 
   Ed Gein himself is seated inside the Atomic Cafe with each eye glued to separate corners of the room. Probably scouring for new skin masks. 

08/04: Prior to our set in South Dakota, Wendy-o-Matic (or whatever) treated our guests to her Captain-Kirk-boldly-going-to-smash-patriarchy poetic stylings. It was "special." Our performance was somewhat shy of dousing the audience in napalm, perhaps more like dipping them in a rich toffee coating. Nonetheless, undaunted we forge forth in new states of consciousness -- as Josh discovers himself seer of myriad psychic blockades. Awakening while Andy drives, Josh says in a syrupy voice, "Andy… look… out" and gestures toward the "couch" he imagines in the road before us. Fortunately for the safety of us all, said couch was actually a truck equipped with 4 tires and a V-6 engine and keeping pace quite nicely, thank you. 
  By this morning, we've killed damn near a million little bugs and flagrantly displayed their irksome little carcasses on the windshield. We're like serial killer, deaf to the screams of such pitiful creatures and with disturbing schadenfreude, continue to wreak such misfortune.
  As I write this, Bob Medina, road management associate, is wearing a rather unusual sunglass attachment on his glasses, making him look, how you say… goofy. (see Appendix A, Fig. B.) 

Todd is still sleeping, so I just can't make fun of him at this juncture. But opportunity is rife. 
We're racing to Champaign, IL by tonight and it's quite a haul. Perhaps it'll all pay off in a wealth of Polish sausage and bad accents. 

08/05: Last night's show in Champaign, IL was wonderfuck. Ever the do-gooders that we are, our beneficence extended to further the cause of parrying white man's guilt and "liberate" a death row Black Panther from the assaultive, murderous U.S. legal system and its capitalist microwave oven world of tasty strudel buns that cook in seconds and have a delectably sweet frosting which glides across your tongue. Yes, assuring that none of us are free until we ALL are able to wear little round glasses and ponytails, until we ALL are of the understanding that what's mine is everyone else's and until we ALL hear Tracy Chapman and yelp, "yes, I've been a bad boy!" We played for a handful of folks -- some of whom regarded our performance as "phenomenal." Indeed.
  On to further phenomena, this morning I bore witness to to the traumatic Great Peanut Butter Eruption of '95, which entails my jar of PB spilling all over the inside of our cooler. Eeeewww. Placing myself somewhat proximate to "the wagon" last night, we enjoyed beer, many of which Bob enjoyed "one." The friendly fellow on the porch waited for Braid pals to arrive. But as he sensed our insatiable need to drink HIS Schlitz, he decided to relocate. I believe it was downstairs. Sadly, his friends never arrived so that we could tell them he was downstairs. However, let the record show, the tweaker went downstairs with Schlitz. 

08/06: Shi-KAAH-goo, IL. Fireside Bowl. The city was alive with rock action, but thankfully a warm fistful of folks came, watched and consumed goods. Probably even threw around words like "rad". Foo Fighers at the Metro, Flat Duo Jets at Lounge Ax, Laughing Hyenas at Empty Bottle and Braid at Fireside Bowl. Tough choices, but the kids knew -- Nathan Todd Corbett was in town. 
  We had Pad Thai and I flushed from niacin mixing with the spices and felt like absolute dogma. Today's journey involves a long drive to Pennsylvania and the house of Hughes. Since this Indiana highway is so well maintained I'm forced to stop writing for now. 

08/10: After a 3 day rest stop at the Hughes compound for food, beer, movies and hi-fivin' jocularity, we're back in action. We went cliff jumping in a damp pile of algae. I sussed out and couldn't get myself to make the high jump. We did DC-Philly-back-again kicking' it smooth in the Boyz II Men style. I got a cymbal case and new 23" cymbal from Darren 454 whose vow to "set me up" came through. 
   Our show in Phillydelphia was wicked A. It was inside an old church in the pulsing, throbbing heart of the city. We played rather well, probably due to the dearth of fay-barette Oly-rock yawn-fest bands who played before us. My new makeup was pretty runny by the end. Andy is now carrying a comb to maintain his perfunctory coiffure. We sold a fair amount of stuff -- especially for a band with an invisible 7". Thanks Jeff. 
  Today, we're 100 miles and running for the burgeoning villa of Kane, PA. At least Los Crudos is also playing, so there may be a few persons in attendance. We don't mind if they're all related, as long as none of us are told we have a pretty mouth. Road production associate Medina has left with Patricia and Charlotte Kay, along with his fortune amassed in Colorado Krew compilations. 

08/11: Nathan Todd Corbett, road companion associate, is resting oddly contorted & comfortable next to me, on his big fluffy, comfy pillow. Nathan seems either very sleepy or deeply contemplative of his lot in life. Mmmmmm… probably the former. (See Figure C, Appendix A for my artist's rendering.)

08/12: Fuck emo! We played a Food Not Bombs "benefit" with Los Crudos in Kane, PA. It turned out okay, but it was a harsh surprise to discover we'd driven all that way in order to just feel the joy in our hearts and the clumpy vegetarian spaghetti in our stomachs. Somehow, these kids haven't learned how to cook rice and spaghetti. It took them 4 hours to prepare. Less punk, more home economics. 
  Pittsburgh was also an unusual event. The show was at the VFW hall filled with drunken vets who seemed to honestly love The VSS. Oh, and Pittsburgh sucks. It's constructed atop a gigantic sweat gland, which accounts for its constant stench and dampness. There seem to be a wealth of "everything's cool, man" balding college dudes and "I'm sorry for breathing" emo kids. 

08/14: The VSS "tone 'n' shape" program in the Long Island YMCA was a success with healthy minds and teen fitness buffs. The floor was bouncing up and down as we played, and my drums kept leaning over and bobbing to and fro, adding quick reaction to my workout regimen. Anyhoo… Todd doesn't stink (for now.) The van's running. We're gonna foray into the oblique maelstrom of NYC today for a look at their goodies and to administer good cheer to the lowly beings haunting her streets. Ayn Rand would be so displeased. The Chairman of the Board says he'll keep some cocktails chilled, and if we can make it there, we'll make it anywhere. Somehow, I'm not convinced. His data may be slightly skewed. 
   It's hot, yet fairly dry here… which is a nice change from Pittsburgh's spongy saturation. Perhaps one of the neighborhood children will see fit to open a fire hydrant upon the streets. Living archetypes, another in a series. 
   We seem very out-of-place in this NY-area scene, since so many of the kids dig the plod of mighty behemoth (see Appendix A, Fig. D) and we sound like its eradicators (see Appendix A, Fig. E). 

Alas, such is our lot. Tonight's show seems auspicious, however, for these crackling' rosies, we're bound for a hot August night. 

08/16: We played last night at the Rye Coalition "last show till recess" drunkest, and pulled the damp performance of the year. T'was a sauna. The night before at John Hiltz's house wasn't as impressive save for Andy Lee Roth's glorious McTwist "launch" from his cabinets -- which was actually more like him kicking them over. The kids were "stoked". A post-set swim/clothes laundering in the pool was appropriate. Mssr Hiltz is indeed one fine fellow.
   Anyhoo, back to Rye. In this seaside town, that they forgot to burn down -- Tom's River, NJ -- an amassing of effulgent and heat-emitting youth rendered the evening ass-kicking. Rye sounded quite stacked from upstairs, but it was way too hot and sweaty inside to venture downstairs for more than seconds at a time. Afterwards, we placed libidinous portions of spirits into our bodies with the overly liver-endowed Bare Minimum. I'm feeling just a bit hung-über after all the drinking damage incurred. Beginning with a harmless -- even accommodating -- 40oz. beer beverage, further steps presented their necessity upon imbibing the remains of Anthony's Crazy Horse malt. (See Appendix F, Figs. A & B).
   I added an oil can size Labatt's Ice to the ruction (see again Appendix F, Fig B). However, the Bare Minimum mania for torture remained unsatiated. So, we concocted several cups of stomach-razor gin & juice (see Appendix F, Fig. C). I must be retarded.

To be continued...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Separated At Burnt?

The "Touchdown Jesus" statue in Ohio that was hit by lightning and burned down to its inner structure seems to bear a strange resemblance to another prophetic martyr, no?


Saturday, March 13, 2010

What's the Status?

People of Earth, I give you a compendium of previous Twitter posts and status updates:

You can make nearly anything sound gross just by putting the word "meat" in front of it.

I don't need a weatherman to tell me what time it is.

According to basic algebra, you have to be part of the problem to be part of the solution.

I'm building a homemade f-bomb.

I wonder if throughout history, just before the collapse of every successive civilization, everyone had their own DJ night. I know Nero did.

Cause of death is not yet unknown.

Is it true they got rid of the public health care option because of the controversial "mustache rides" clause?

Headline love: Arctic May Hold Twice the Oil Found There. ..Isn't that kind of like saying the unmeasured may be twice as big as estimated?

I'm reducing my cabrón footprint.

I wish there were a way for my pets to let me know they've had enough cocaine.

Phil Spector sentenced to 19 years and only 2 crazy wigs

Brushed and flossed like there's no tomorrow because I love surprises.

The hungover lawyer pleads mea gulpa.

Everybody likes hamburgers.

Logging on to MySpace is like waking up in a post-apocalyptic world that was destroyed by bad bands and Macy's giftcards.

I'm taking a cue from the cat world. Next time I go out to dinner and my food is being served, I'll headbutt the serving tray.

Latino dudes with "Playa" emblazoned on your car: are you declaring yourself a beach?

Does anyone have a good recipe for Humble Pie? I keep adding way too much dill weed.

This Pottery workshop is kiln it!

I just designed the most kick-ass 2013 Mayan calendar. Mayans, order them today!

Medicine is the best laughter.

Whoa! There was just not an earthquake! Did anyone just feel completely nothing happen?

I wonder, at what temperature do Kindle readers burn? Should we change Fahrenheit 451's title? Is the product's name befitting book burning?

Favorite accidental Zen typo of the day: "life is to short."

I just updated my faceplant status.

MTV and VH1 went from playing music 24-7 to only playing one note -- that middle-C swear-word bleep tone.

I've figured out that if you play Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album while watching "The Wall" it kinda totally syncs up.

What if the vegans were right all along? What then?

There are no stupid questions, only stupid needs for answers.

Live blogging my shower. Water is reaching good temp. About to go in.
In shower now. Phone getting ssteamy. Fhuds dff dgttyyh. Ffgdsth hhhg
Live showerr: iPhone harded to holbb than soappp. Fjhg. Hhhuurr?

Two words that just don't sound good together: food truck.

Tonight on 'Everybody Loves Raydiohead' it's a very special episode of the watch what you want sitcom. Thom attempts to jump Los Angeles.

I'm thinking about trying out for Jay Reatard's band. Mainly because I'm curious if the audition process involves a golden shower.

Forget spirit animals. I want to know: what is my airbrushed t-shirt animal?

Totally killing it at this brunch.

The Balloon Boy reality show has an exciting new spinoff: Jail Dad.

I have 265 Google Search invites. Who wants one?

I wonder if Adobe sent its employees pink slips as PDF attachments.

Remember to vote Yes on "No to Anti-Affirmative Negation" reinstatement reform.

We Were Promised Fanny Packs. #BandNamesForBands

Haven't seen any sloganeering to the contrary lately, so I'm gonna assume that mean people no longer suck.

Psychic vision number 1274: Eric Clapton farts, then leans into it, waving the aroma gently to his face.

What's wrong with kids today? Why isn't there a retro-90s British hipster dance band called The Fanny Packers?

Wet Clean Up In Aisle Me. #potentialselfhelpbooktitles

Mark my words: Joe Piscipo is going to sweep the Oscars tonight! 

Is my cat vomiting everywhere disgusting, or is she just 'establishing her brand'?

Applebees: two great tastes that don't taste so good together. What's the secret to their success?

I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT WATCH THE OSCARS! I've got not-watching-the-Oscars fever!

Jokes about the Big Bang: too soon?

Still makes me giggle every time I see the misspelling: Sid Viscous

I'm going to address the elephant in the room, and tell it to stop painting those stupid self-portraits.

Awesome! I totally wanted to get some new plants:

I'm not so much a nervous wreck as a nervous fender bender.

Why do I hate Microsoft software? Because I don't believe in Wizards.

Racking my brain trying to remember which episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that Fugazi played on.

I hate being called "boss" by convenience store clerks. If it's necessary to be sycophantic, let's go with "Your Majesty."

Yo, birds! I'm sick of cutting up 6-pack plastic rings into bite-sized pieces. Chew your own meals... I don't see you teaching us to fly.

Wondering... is my name too ethnic sounding?

I repeat: Tim Burton, please just give it a rest. We get it. Fairytales are creepy; hold on to our childlike sense of wonder. Duly noted.

Ah, Super Bowl Sunday -- the #1 day of the year that false statistics are at their peak.

I didn't realize not letting the sun go down on me was an option. LA neighbors, nighttime is cancelled starting today.

That one day everyone refers to as "back in the day" must've been pretty crazy. LIke a Big Bang of stuff being better than now.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for blood.

Not one film exec has green lighted my idea for a new 3D blockbuster: BENATAR

One of these days, training this cat to make me pancakes is going to pay off.

Someone named Purchase Viagra is really making a stand in the petition to save Clifford's Tower in York, UK.

The three certainties in life: death, taxes and fake Coachella poster "leaks"

Please join me in squirting out a packet of Fire sauce today in memory of Taco Bell founder Glen Bell Jr.

Live Faust, die Jung.

Home schooling is killing the schooling industry.

Home eating is killing the restaurant industry.

Has anyone tried this crazy drug that all the celebs are doing called Natural Causes? It sounds dangerous.

Don't tase me, bro!

Apparently my cat doesn't like it when I sing "Who Let The Dogs Out" in her face.

I'm DJing tonight @ home. Sit at your place and imagine what I'm playing. I'll be having drink specials from 7 to 10:30, and 10:31 to 2am.

Everything comes in waves. Particularly the ocean.

I'd like to see the Family Circus map of last night's events.

Let's face it, gents. We'll never be as cool as Keith Richards.

Tonight on Dexter: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

Previously on Dexter: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

The script for Dexter Season 5 has leaked: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

I've been hired to write Season 6 of Dexter. Spoiler alert: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with a guy.

Forget spirit animals. I want to know: what is my airbrushed t-shirt animal?

In the future everyone will be rumored dead for 15 minutes. ... And then eventually dead forever.

Today's Charlie Watts drum fill: duuunnka duuunnnka duuuunnka.... pssssshhhhhhh.

Instead of taking anti-oxidants, I'm quitting oxygen.

"Couldn't agree more" is just a stupid way of saying "I agree." "Couldn't care less" is a stupid way of saying "I don't care."

Is it possible to be sensibly in favor of Coco Puffs, or do you have to go the whole "crazy" route?

Tonight on 'Everybody Loves Raydiohead' it's a very special episode of the watch what you want sitcom. Thom attempts to jump Los Angeles.

Two words that just don't sound good together: food truck.

Seriously: some stuff. Rigorous. Stuff.

I cut myself shaming.

Alchemist humor: he who smelt it, dealt it.

1 cross + 3 nails = 4-ensics.

Sometimes I have nightmares that all those piccolo snares from the 90s are chasing me.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid needs for answers.

I love anthropomorphized natural phenomena: “This is a very angry fire." -- LA County Fire Deputy.

So proud I can say that I'll be playing a show with Danzig. TIme to stock up on Milk Duds and ice water.

Tonight's moment of typo-Zen: "letting the excitement run lose."

Media people: can we collectively find a better word than "leaks"? about dribbles?...sprinkles? ... wafts?

Trending Topics

Fail Whale works in progress...

Corporate Rock Still Exists
We Shall Come Over
Fifty-Four-Forty or Thirty-Nine or Something Nearby
Want Milk?
Yes We Could

Mission of Burgundy 
Del Chenin
Nick Cava & the Bad Meads 
Lambrusco of God
Rebels & Zinfandels 
Otis Riesling 
Merlot Haggard 

The Process of Nogging Out
Spray Deck the Halls
Annihilate This Wreath
Beat My Sled Against Yule Log
Everything Went Red & Green
White Menorah-ty
My Yules
Damaged 1 (No Returns)
Wreath Above
Frosty & Mistletoe
Jingle Bell-Us Again
You Bet We've Got Something Personal Against You, Santa!
I Won't Regift Any of You Unless and Until I Can Regift All of You
Elf's Eyes
Slip It In (The Stocking)

Death Panel for Cutie
Public Option, Ltd.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mellow Metal

The time is right, the time is now: Easy listening metal:

Screaming For Vangelis

Ride The Lightfoot

Barry Manowar

Bach In Black

...Anne Murray For All

Blizzard of Osmonds

Seasons In The ABBA

Shout At the Don Ho

At Warwick with Satin

Humperdincking The Chapel

Percyful Faith

Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Year's Resolutions 2010:

1. One word: BODYSUIT

2. Finally get around to putting that "No Fat Chicks" bumper sticker on my car. I'm sick of all these fat chicks not knowing where I stand on this issue.

3. No excuses: get Ugly Kid Joe back together.

4. Take a picture of someone. Then, stare at them longer than the picture lasts.**

5. Become the first to literally eat someone out of house and home.

6. Cut down on doing more of fewer things less of the time.

7. Invent perverse sex acts with the following names:

Moons Over My Hammy

Federal Express

The Frowndango

Exploding Plastic Inevitable

The Twinkie Defense

The Fugue in A Minor


Making Ringtones

8. Somehow, someway become the subject of a "Hitler reacts to..." video.

9. Finally admit to the world: I let the dogs out.

10. Get it all sordid out.

** Note: this may take more than one year to complete.