Friday, March 21, 2014

"Twins" and the proto-truther warning

In honor of today’s date, 3/21/14 (3+2+1+1+4 = 11), I’d like to blow the lid off of a huge conspiracy. Those who know me well know that I like to blow lids off of things. Hey, can I see your coffee for a sec? Boom — no lid! And, the lid on this conspiracy is so massive, no conspiracy nut has ever dared make it public. Until now.

The movie “Twins” was a proto-truther 9/11 insider’s warning! 

Twins = twin towers.

The character of Julius Benedict was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger = Benedict Arnold, famed traitor in the Revolutionary War. The twins were the result of a secret government experiment and were immediately hidden from their birth mother, Mary (Mary, mother of Christ). 

The film’s adventure takes the twins to Los Alamos, New Mexico: site of the Manhattan Project and birthplace of the atomic bomb! (if you research it, “Manhattan” is another name for New York City)

The twin brothers fall in love with two sisters with the last name Mason. The Benedicts marry the Masons!

“Twins” was released December 9, 1988, TWO (twin) days after the anniversary of the first attack on U.S. soil, Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 1941. 

The film grossed $11 million in its opening weekend. (The 9th + $11 million.)

Most important of all to note: there’s apparently a SEQUEL in the works, Twins 2. What exactly are they trying to warn us about this time?

Monday, April 1, 2013

Three kitsch obsessions that need to go away:

1) Bacon.
2) KISS.
3) Zombies.

KISS fans: we get it. You like KISS. And, stuff made to look like members of KISS. Now give it a rest and listen to music that wasn't written for 8-year-olds.

Bacon fans: yup, bacon is tasty. You know what isn't tasty? Everything else flavored like bacon. Go eat your bacon in shamed silence.

Zombie fans: yes, the idea of a zombie apocalypse plays on our basest fears and instincts. But the zombie apocalypse is already here and you're one of them, mindlessly consuming every iteration of zombie pop culture.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

New Year's Resolutions 2013

These are a few days late, but only because there are a lot of things I want to improve. I hope you will support and encourage me in taking these steps:
  • This year get really, really LinkedIn.
  • Figure out how it's actually possible for people to "rock" an article of clothing. 
  • Convince the Make A Wish Foundation to change its name to Forever The Sickest Kids.
  • Eat Saag Paneer with Greg Kinnear throughout the year. 
  • Play Pac Man with Frank Ocean. 
  • Finish my screenplay "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction."
  • When calling people on the phone, no matter how mundane always start the conversation with, "are you sitting down?"
  • Put Christ back into the Fourth of July.
  • Wake up in a pool of my own awesomeness.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Are you on the Friends & Family Plan?

Are you on the Friends & Family Plan? I can't help thinking that a writer on this TV show was paying sly tribute to the star of the garbage dump. Compare:



Monday, December 19, 2011

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Cliffsetz Letter

Bob Lefsetz is history. 

But you all knew that, right? Sure, the Lefsetz Letter was fun, but who reads emails now? Major labels read emails -- and major labels aren't making money. 

Look at Jeff "Skunk" Baxter. Onetime Doobie Brother, Steely Dan member and man with incredible facial hair. 

Technology is important. Kids know that, fans of kids (NAMBLA) know that. Those who aren't using technology are not involved in the use of technology. It's as simple as that. 

In the early 70s, I had a mustache. But I only had a mustache because mustaches were popular! They were cool and everyone grooving to the kick ass vibes the Doobies were putting down via the major labels was cool too. Nowadays, kids have mustaches to be funny -- like they don't even mean it. Just like technology. 

Look at the shake weight. A whole bunch of them were sold. That makes the shake weight awesome!

One three sentence paragraph later, I'm over the shake weight. And, the shake weight itself is over. Why? Because it wasn't looking at the bottom line -- toning underarm flab. Sure, toning underarm flab was a thing women cared about back when men had serious mustaches. And, this new technology seemed just right for today's ironic underarm flab. But now it's all over. Because I said so. 

So who wants to challenge me? 

I'll just keep on writing Lefsetz Letters about the death of writing letters that challenge what I say. 

Did you ever notice how one thing comes along, grows in popularity (thrives) and eventually dies? I haven't. But, I do want to be the Grim Reaper of trends. And technology. And mustaches. 


"Takin' It To The Streets"

(If you're not familiar with the Lefsetz Letter: )

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year's Resolutions 2011:

1. Finally get accepted into the Bad Boy Club.

2. Figure out where babies come from. Then, start a hate group demanding that babies go back to where they came from and quit stealing our jobs!! 

3. Respond to every suggestion made to me thusly: However many awesome possums it takes to achieve said scenario. 

4. Successfully lobby the awarders of the Nobel Prize to finally, once and for all quit their passive-aggressive practices and include bells with their prize. I mean, what cheapskates!

5. Get more fabulous!

6. Become known as "Dave Clifford: a flash mob of one."

7. Create a new tincture blending spices from around the world; call it the Ethnic Cleanse. 

8. Improve categorization of the two-dimensional spatiotemporal power spectra of light scintillation in remote sensing of the upper troposphere. 

9. Start a book collection

10. If the Bad Boy Club thing doesn't work out, at least get accepted into one of those car window decal families. 

( Bonus: 11. Embrace and enact my new motto, "all the world is my locker room.")