What's the Status?

People of Earth, I give you a compendium of previous Twitter posts and status updates:

You can make nearly anything sound gross just by putting the word "meat" in front of it.

I don't need a weatherman to tell me what time it is.

According to basic algebra, you have to be part of the problem to be part of the solution.

I'm building a homemade f-bomb.

I wonder if throughout history, just before the collapse of every successive civilization, everyone had their own DJ night. I know Nero did.

Cause of death is not yet unknown.

Is it true they got rid of the public health care option because of the controversial "mustache rides" clause?

Headline love: Arctic May Hold Twice the Oil Found There. ..Isn't that kind of like saying the unmeasured may be twice as big as estimated?

I'm reducing my cabrón footprint.

I wish there were a way for my pets to let me know they've had enough cocaine.

Phil Spector sentenced to 19 years and only 2 crazy wigs

Brushed and flossed like there's no tomorrow because I love surprises.

The hungover lawyer pleads mea gulpa.

Everybody likes hamburgers.

Logging on to MySpace is like waking up in a post-apocalyptic world that was destroyed by bad bands and Macy's giftcards.

I'm taking a cue from the cat world. Next time I go out to dinner and my food is being served, I'll headbutt the serving tray.

Latino dudes with "Playa" emblazoned on your car: are you declaring yourself a beach?

Does anyone have a good recipe for Humble Pie? I keep adding way too much dill weed.

This Pottery workshop is kiln it!

I just designed the most kick-ass 2013 Mayan calendar. Mayans, order them today!

Medicine is the best laughter.

Whoa! There was just not an earthquake! Did anyone just feel completely nothing happen?

I wonder, at what temperature do Kindle readers burn? Should we change Fahrenheit 451's title? Is the product's name befitting book burning?

Favorite accidental Zen typo of the day: "life is to short."

I just updated my faceplant status.

MTV and VH1 went from playing music 24-7 to only playing one note -- that middle-C swear-word bleep tone.

I've figured out that if you play Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album while watching "The Wall" it kinda totally syncs up.

What if the vegans were right all along? What then?

There are no stupid questions, only stupid needs for answers.

Live blogging my shower. Water is reaching good temp. About to go in.

In shower now. Phone getting ssteamy. Fhuds dff dgttyyh. Ffgdsth hhhg

Live showerr: iPhone harded to holbb than soappp. Fjhg. Hhhuurr?

Two words that just don't sound good together: food truck.

Tonight on 'Everybody Loves Raydiohead' it's a very special episode of the watch what you want sitcom. Thom attempts to jump Los Angeles.

I'm thinking about trying out for Jay Reatard's band. Mainly because I'm curious if the audition process involves a golden shower.

Forget spirit animals. I want to know: what is my airbrushed t-shirt animal?

Totally killing it at this brunch.

The Balloon Boy reality show has an exciting new spinoff: Jail Dad.

I have 265 Google Search invites. Who wants one?

I wonder if Adobe sent its employees pink slips as PDF attachments.

Remember to vote Yes on "No to Anti-Affirmative Negation" reinstatement reform.

We Were Promised Fanny Packs. #BandNamesForBands

Haven't seen any sloganeering to the contrary lately, so I'm gonna assume that mean people no longer suck.

Psychic vision number 1274: Eric Clapton farts, then leans into it, waving the aroma gently to his face.

What's wrong with kids today? Why isn't there a retro-90s British hipster dance band called The Fanny Packers?

Wet Clean Up In Aisle Me. #potentialselfhelpbooktitles

Mark my words: Joe Piscipo is going to sweep the Oscars tonight! 

Is my cat vomiting everywhere disgusting, or is she just 'establishing her brand'?

Applebees: two great tastes that don't taste so good together. What's the secret to their success?

I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT WATCH THE OSCARS! I've got not-watching-the-Oscars fever!

Jokes about the Big Bang: too soon?

Still makes me giggle every time I see the misspelling: Sid Viscous

I'm going to address the elephant in the room, and tell it to stop painting those stupid self-portraits.

Awesome! I totally wanted to get some new plants: http://molestationnursery.com

I'm not so much a nervous wreck as a nervous fender bender.

Why do I hate Microsoft software? Because I don't believe in Wizards.

Racking my brain trying to remember which episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that Fugazi played on.

I hate being called "boss" by convenience store clerks. If it's necessary to be sycophantic, let's go with "Your Majesty."

Yo, birds! I'm sick of cutting up 6-pack plastic rings into bite-sized pieces. Chew your own meals... I don't see you teaching us to fly.

Wondering... is my name too ethnic sounding?

I repeat: Tim Burton, please just give it a rest. We get it. Fairytales are creepy; hold on to our childlike sense of wonder. Duly noted.

Ah, Super Bowl Sunday -- the #1 day of the year that false statistics are at their peak.

I didn't realize not letting the sun go down on me was an option. LA neighbors, nighttime is cancelled starting today.

That one day everyone refers to as "back in the day" must've been pretty crazy. LIke a Big Bang of stuff being better than now.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for blood.

Not one film exec has green lighted my idea for a new 3D blockbuster: BENATAR

One of these days, training this cat to make me pancakes is going to pay off.

Someone named Purchase Viagra is really making a stand in the petition to save Clifford's Tower in York, UK. http://www.cliffordstower.com/

The three certainties in life: death, taxes and fake Coachella poster "leaks"

Please join me in squirting out a packet of Fire sauce today in memory of Taco Bell founder Glen Bell Jr.

Live Faust, die Jung.

Home schooling is killing the schooling industry.

Home eating is killing the restaurant industry.

Has anyone tried this crazy drug that all the celebs are doing called Natural Causes? It sounds dangerous.

Don't tase me, bro!

Apparently my cat doesn't like it when I sing "Who Let The Dogs Out" in her face.

I'm DJing tonight @ home. Sit at your place and imagine what I'm playing. I'll be having drink specials from 7 to 10:30, and 10:31 to 2am.

Everything comes in waves. Particularly the ocean.

I'd like to see the Family Circus map of last night's events.

Let's face it, gents. We'll never be as cool as Keith Richards.

Tonight on Dexter: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

Previously on Dexter: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

The script for Dexter Season 5 has leaked: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with the wrong guy.

I've been hired to write Season 6 of Dexter. Spoiler alert: Dexter fears that he's going to be caught. Sister gets involved with a guy.

Forget spirit animals. I want to know: what is my airbrushed t-shirt animal?

In the future everyone will be rumored dead for 15 minutes. ... And then eventually dead forever.

Today's Charlie Watts drum fill: duuunnka duuunnnka duuuunnka.... pssssshhhhhhh.

Instead of taking anti-oxidants, I'm quitting oxygen.

"Couldn't agree more" is just a stupid way of saying "I agree." "Couldn't care less" is a stupid way of saying "I don't care."

Is it possible to be sensibly in favor of Coco Puffs, or do you have to go the whole "crazy" route?

Tonight on 'Everybody Loves Raydiohead' it's a very special episode of the watch what you want sitcom. Thom attempts to jump Los Angeles.

Two words that just don't sound good together: food truck.

Seriously: some stuff. Rigorous. Stuff.

I cut myself shaming.

Alchemist humor: he who smelt it, dealt it.

1 cross + 3 nails = 4-ensics.

Sometimes I have nightmares that all those piccolo snares from the 90s are chasing me.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid needs for answers.

I love anthropomorphized natural phenomena: “This is a very angry fire." -- LA County Fire Deputy. http://bit.ly/MZmda

So proud I can say that I'll be playing a show with Danzig. TIme to stock up on Milk Duds and ice water.

Tonight's moment of typo-Zen: "letting the excitement run lose."

Media people: can we collectively find a better word than "leaks"? ...how about dribbles?...sprinkles? ... wafts?