Three kitsch obsessions that need to go away:

1) Bacon.
2) KISS.
3) Zombies.

KISS fans: we get it. You like KISS. And, stuff made to look like members of KISS. Now give it a rest and listen to music that wasn't written for 8-year-olds.

Bacon fans: yup, bacon is tasty. You know what isn't tasty? Everything else flavored like bacon. Go eat your bacon in shamed silence.

Zombie fans: yes, the idea of a zombie apocalypse plays on our basest fears and instincts. But the zombie apocalypse is already here and you're one of them, mindlessly consuming every iteration of zombie pop culture.

New Year's Resolutions 2013

These are a few days late, but only because there are a lot of things I want to improve. I hope you will support and encourage me in taking these steps:

• This year get really, really LinkedIn.

• Figure out how it's actually possible for people to "rock" an article of clothing. 

• Convince the Make A Wish Foundation to change its name to Forever The Sickest Kids.

• Eat Saag Paneer with Greg Kinnear throughout the year. 

• Play Pac Man with Frank Ocean. 

• Finish my screenplay "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction."

• When calling people on the phone, no matter how mundane always start the conversation with, "are you sitting down?"

• Put Christ back into the Fourth of July.

• Wake up in a pool of my own awesomeness.