New Year's Resolutions 2013

These are a few days late, but only because there are a lot of things I want to improve. I hope you will support and encourage me in taking these steps:

• This year get really, really LinkedIn.

• Figure out how it's actually possible for people to "rock" an article of clothing. 

• Convince the Make A Wish Foundation to change its name to Forever The Sickest Kids.

• Eat Saag Paneer with Greg Kinnear throughout the year. 

• Play Pac Man with Frank Ocean. 

• Finish my screenplay "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction."

• When calling people on the phone, no matter how mundane always start the conversation with, "are you sitting down?"

• Put Christ back into the Fourth of July.

• Wake up in a pool of my own awesomeness.

Are you on the Friends & Family Plan?

Are you on the Friends & Family Plan? I can't help thinking that a writer on this TV show was paying sly tribute to the star of the garbage dump. Compare:

Friends:

Family:

A boy and his dog

The Cliffsetz Letter

Bob Lefsetz is history. 

But you all knew that, right? Sure, the Lefsetz Letter was fun, but who reads emails now? Major labels read emails -- and major labels aren't making money. 

Look at Jeff "Skunk" Baxter. Onetime Doobie Brother, Steely Dan member and man with incredible facial hair. 

Technology is important. Kids know that, fans of kids (NAMBLA) know that. Those who aren't using technology are not involved in the use of technology. It's as simple as that. 

In the early 70s, I had a mustache. But I only had a mustache because mustaches were popular! They were cool and everyone grooving to the kick ass vibes the Doobies were putting down via the major labels was cool too. Nowadays, kids have mustaches to be funny -- like they don't even mean it. Just like technology. 

Look at the shake weight. A whole bunch of them were sold. That makes the shake weight awesome!

One three sentence paragraph later, I'm over the shake weight. And, the shake weight itself is over. Why? Because it wasn't looking at the bottom line -- toning underarm flab. Sure, toning underarm flab was a thing women cared about back when men had serious mustaches. And, this new technology seemed just right for today's ironic underarm flab. But now it's all over. Because I said so. 

So who wants to challenge me? 

I'll just keep on writing Lefsetz Letters about the death of writing letters that challenge what I say. 

Did you ever notice how one thing comes along, grows in popularity (thrives) and eventually dies? I haven't. But, I do want to be the Grim Reaper of trends. And technology. And mustaches. 

MySpace. 

"Takin' It To The Streets"

(If you're not familiar with the Lefsetz Letter: http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/ )

New Year's Resolutions 2011:

1. Finally get accepted into the Bad Boy Club.

2. Figure out where babies come from. Then, start a hate group demanding that babies go back to where they came from and quit stealing our jobs!! 

3. Respond to every suggestion made to me thusly: However many awesome possums it takes to achieve said scenario. 

4. Successfully lobby the awarders of the Nobel Prize to finally, once and for all quit their passive-aggressive practices and include bells with their prize. I mean, what cheapskates!

5. Get more fabulous!

6. Become known as "Dave Clifford: a flash mob of one."

7. Create a new tincture blending spices from around the world; call it the Ethnic Cleanse. 

8. Improve categorization of the two-dimensional spatiotemporal power spectra of light scintillation in remote sensing of the upper troposphere. 

9. Start a book collection. 

10. If the Bad Boy Club thing doesn't work out, at least get accepted into one of those car window decal families. 


( Bonus: 11. Embrace and enact my new motto, "all the world is my locker room.")

A man makes an intense discovery

The subtle poetry of the iPhone Google search...

One of the most amazing and interesting aspects of modern technology is the ability to access information anywhere you are at any time. Of course, the best parts are those drunken nights out with friends when a conversation leads you to seek answers to questions right then and there. Thankfully, the Google app on the iPhone keeps a handy archive of your searches.


Here is a list of my recent Google app searches (no joke, these are all real):

food starting with ala

frequent cat vomiting

icehouse

ftw meaning

6 pack plastic rings

modal fabric

boating

us time zones map

baton rouge liquor law

baton rouge riverboat gambling

abscess

litmus test

square pegs cast

fleetwood mac

bridge bodies

bay bridge bodies

ludwig black beauty

hot tub girl diarrhea

gene wilder dead

forrest whittaker left eye

by jove meaning