It's Terminal

How Goth is That?

For once and for all, I am not goth. Perhaps this may help clear up any misconceptions.

"Yes, they're real"

I think, yeah, this is probably the best headline ever:

Air Force pounds MILF lairs with rockets.

http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=475584&publicationSubCategoryId=63

Fine Dining

Has anyone ever eaten here?

More Headline Love

Wow, the life/death counterbalance in this headline alone is quite impressive:

Pregnant woman gets life for drug smuggling

Pre-Teen Nightmares

Why aren't music videos freakishly surreal insanity-vignettes anymore? This video used to give me nightmares. Watch this video and imagine being 11-years-old at home alone on a Friday night around midnight:



Watching that video was what I thought it was like to do acid.

Another video that added to my early psychosis was this li'l gem. Unfortunately, embedding is disabled, so you have to click the link. I know how we all hate such grueling physical labor, but it's worth it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs1_NQrgZ8w

I Think I Speak For All of Us on This One...

http://drums-percussion.musiciansfriend.com/product/Pearl-Anarchy-Cowbell?sku=446795

How To Rekindle Your Love of Life:

Step One: Homemade breakfast burrito.

Quality Control

Cliffoda Quality Control Department issues internal statement regarding being at a bar on a work night:

Here's a bizarre recent IM exchange with Earthlink customer support. One day I found that I couldn't log on to my email account because my password had been changed. No one from Earthlink had notified me that they were changing my password for me. Apparently, I was supposed to receive a confirmation email of my new password... being sent to the email address to which I couldn't log in "informing to there" customer of this change.

Let's see how my new pal, Sergio H of Earthlink explains the matter:

Sergio H: Thank you for the account verification information. I was able to verify your account.
Sergio H: If I view the password in our database, you will receive an email stating that an EarthLink representative has viewed your password. Do I have the permission to view your password?
cliffoda: yes
Sergio H: The password for the email address cliffoda at earthlink.net is *****
cliffoda: huh?
cliffoda: is this a new password generated by you?
Sergio H: The password was changed by our abuse department automatically in order to protect your account from spammers.
Sergio H: EarthLink will not change the password without informing to there customers.
cliffoda: no one informed me of that
Sergio H: It was changed automatically by our abuse department.
Sergio H: So that you will not face the issue in future with spammers.
cliffoda: those two sentences make no sense
cliffoda: EarthLink will not change the password without informing to there customers.
cliffoda: It was changed automatically by our abuse department.
cliffoda: ???
Sergio H: Yes.
cliffoda: why didn't the abuse department notify me?
Sergio H: That is correct.
Sergio H: As the password is changed you will receive confirmation email from abuse department.
cliffoda: oh really? And when would I receive that email... not to mention HOW would I receive it if I can't log into my account?
Sergio H: As the password is changed now, you will receive the confirmation email within 12 to 24 hours.
cliffoda: you're not answering my question
Sergio H: Now you can login to your email account as you have the correct password.
cliffoda: so, the password that I've used for nearly 10 years was changed for me, without notifying me whatsoever. I am supposed to contact Earthlink support in order to find out that you changed my password for me?
Sergio H: As the password is changed you will receive the error message regarding password incorrect.
Sergio H: You can also check the password by login to My Account page.
cliffoda: ahem... LOGIN
cliffoda: how would I check the password IF I COULDN"T LOG IN?!?
Sergio H: Yes.
Sergio H: I am sorry for the confusion.
cliffoda: why was I not allowed to change my own password to protect me from spammers?
Sergio H: I am sorry as EarthLink donot change the password manually, it was done by abuse department, and once you receive the confirmation email from abuse department, they will specify all the reason how and when exactly they have to change the password.
cliffoda: Funny. What if I hadn't contacted the support center to find this out? This "confirmation email" would've gone to the account to which I couldn't log in. This is like the phone company turning off my phone and telling me that I'll get a confirmation phone call in 24 hours letting me know that it's turned off.
Sergio H: I apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.
Sergio H: Let me know if you have any further queries for me to be resolved.
cliffoda: nope.
cliffoda: it's been a blast Sergio.

Image Search

Sometimes, some of the most seemingly prosaic and banal things can offer some of the most entertaining distractions. Case in point, the Google Image Search. Try whatever random words or phrases that come to mind, try your own name (make sure you have "safe search" turned off) -- most of the time, the results can be truly magnificent. Here are a few of my favorites:

Money

Cookie+Monster

McDonalds

Teeth

Cocaine

Nuns

Bruise

Swastika

Ronald McDonald

My Weekend Beat Up Your Weekend.

The scene of the crime.

The murder weapons.

Preparing to do battle with Palm Springs Costco.

Meet meat.

Photographers' showdown.

Hog Leg.

Nicole vs. Salmon.

Soaking into the abyss.

J. and Julia vs. Birthday cake.

J. and Mike, following Melanie's lead, attempt to slip into other dimension.

The landmark case of Busch vs. Burger Bun, 2009.

Sweet respite.

Reaped From the Headlines!

It's time for another round of "Ripped From the Headlines" -- actual news headlines, you know, about newsy things.


God 'will not give happy ending'


Fun doesn't have to stop for bad economy
Uh-uh, the bad economy is having all the fun it can get! (Apparently, others thought this headline read poorly and CNN since changed the headline on the story archive page.)

Charles Manson spends most of his time alone
He also spend 100% of his time in prison.

Eye of God pictured in space
I guess that pretty much answers some eternal questions.

American taste for soft toilet roll 'worse than driving Hummers'
This one's gone... damn.

Octopus pulls plug, floods aquarium

Reviewitude

Apparently, I was a pretty curmudgeonly writer back in the glory days of Your Flesh magazine. I'm not exactly sure where one might get that impression, but here are a few favorites from the archives:


JONATHAN FIRE-EATER S/T CD EP
A rather transparent and unfortunate stab at a JSBX/NEW YORK DOLLS meld, with a singer whose David Johansen-esque paralysed-lip slurred vocals are as convincing as Keanu Reeves’ Shakespeare. Backed by a post-NATION OF ULYSSES basket of hacks plunking out “gritty” and “bluesy” irony (Ha! Rock’n’roll?....Clever!), the singer’s indolent pose and impotent muse serves considerable insult to his influences. In addition to fire, I suggest they eat shit. (PCP Entertainment) Dave Clifford

URGE OVERKILL Exit The Dragon CS
...And enter the cut-out bin. (DGC) Dave Clifford


DAHLIA SEED Survived By... CD
My problem with 'The Believers' is simple, yet duly heretic: anyone under pretense to be 'creating' a work of 'art' therefore endeavors to express an emotion and meaning directly relative to their own life, and therefore either succeeds or fails at articulating these details. From G.G. Allin to Ian MacKaye, from Frida Kahlo to Norman Rockwell, each have made works which serve to express some element of emotion relevant and crucial to their lives. Although some succeed in imbuing their art with more inspired/impassioned/pained/etc details than most, it is merely by their own ability to express powerful interpretations of human experience that such works represent more 'soul' or 'emotion' than commonplace art. By this token, the concept of 'emo' rock/core becomes entirely redundant. That is, if great effort is required of the artiste to 'come to terms' or 'summon the beasts within' to express something in their music, then perhaps it is because such trite schmaltz is borne of one's lack of emotional commitment to the artistic process in the first place. I give you DAHLIA SEED, a band whose relatively catchy DRIVE LIKE BJORK music stands well enough on its own, but is rendered absurd by the overbearing, forced and vapid "emotional" lyrical content. Granted, the lyrics are the result of vocalist Tracy Wilson's grappling with death-in-the-family and other commonplace tragedies and perhaps strive to reach to the, ahem, heart of such experience but seem so forced that I begin to wonder if they exist only because pain is just anything else to sing about. When she sings with strained vocal cords, "no one lasts long here" at what is supposed to be an impassioned crescendo, it just sounds so tastlessly forced that I shudder at the lack of passion in their music. Yes, there is pain in all of our lives, which is why art is social, but in turning emotion into an aesthetic as the entire 'emocore' scene (as well as PEARL JAM, Tori Amos, LIVE, et al) has, strives to authenticate human experience as kitch, and therefore nullifies the worth in such communication. The 'emotional' power of music is its ability to randomly touch other people's lives in an unusual communion of artifice and lived experience. Music ( and art in general) doesn't need to be about emotion, because it ought to involve it, and those who strive to saturate their music with posed emotion ought to be called out for the connivers they are. (Troubleman Unlimited) Dave Clifford

MISFITS Famous Monsters CD
Some may chuckle and chortle at the incredibly lame cover art and limp pop punk of the Caiafa brothers' revamped Misfits, but really the most laughable thing about these "famous monsters" is the Christian undercurrent spurred by chumpy vocalist, Michale Graves (who even stoops to thank God in his thank you list). Presumably, Mr. Graves is just earning a paycheck, hoping to open the minds of gloom-sodden youth with his message of hope underlying the dizzyingly flaccid sounds of former teenagers from Mars, Jerry Only and Doyle. Drummer "Dr." Chud (he's not a real doctor, nor is he a real Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller) fills in the muck with lackluster studio musicianship. What made the Misfits great was the band's penchant for overdriving and mutating traditional '50s rock'n'roll. They were low-budget, atavistic-fantastic mutant pop, just like the B-movies and schlocky horror movies they admired. Now, they're just another bland contemporary pop punk band on par with MXPX or Face to Face, but with "gloomy" ambiguous lyrics about fallen angels and reluctant saviors. Graves' tepid lyrics seem purposefully composed to sound "dark," but with enough ambiguous positivity for him to defend them on TV talk shows and in youth groups. It's like "The Exorcist" — intended to shock and titillate in order to deliver a pro-Christian message. Yuck. What's worse, for the multitude of kids hearing the Misfits for the first time (or thinking that they are pro wrestlers who just started a band), they get this, er, pallid imitation of the fiendish four. As much as I respect and admire Jerry and Doyle, without Glenn, these Misfits just fit in all too comfortably. [Roadrunner] Dave Clifford


LOOMER "Snowblind"/ "Superstar" 7"
So you printed your insert on resume paper? Sorry, the position of coy girl-pop has been filled by VERUCA SALT and the BREEDERS, but we'll keep it on file in case anything opens up. (Low Blow) Dave Clifford


TABLA BEAT SCIENCE Live in San Francisco at Stern Grove CD
Uggh. Just the name Bill Laswell makes me cringe. Knowing his penchant for the world-beatoff, limp production and his self-congratulatory high-profile, I knew this would be an ugly affair rife with excessive noodling and grotesque cross-cultural forced bonding. And, indeed, it is…Laswell, along with a familiar cast of jazzholes and some misled Indian tabla drummers, hosts this foray into everything that’s bad about free jazz, world fusion, rave culture and shithead yuppie-burnout public radio. I mean, “Beat Science”? Come on! Do these assholes really think that they’re bound to “discover” something heretofore unknown about drum beats? (Axiom Recordings) Dave Clifford


SPACEBOY Searching the Stone Library for the Green Page of Illusion CD
I’m hoping that their press kit’s attempt to portray the band as some kind of Black Metal vikings from fucking Santa Cruz, CA is just a joke. But, knowing the legacy of former B’last (Flag) vocalist – er, “Mystical Poetry” renderer — Clifford Dinsmore, I wouldn’t be surprised if Spaceboy thought themselves to be as legit as B’last (Flag)’s Ginn imitations. I mean, come on: “the natural surroundings of their home territories — including mighty mountains and deep fjords as well as dark forests and ruins [that’s Santa fucking Cruz, people] — have always meant a lot to the band. It was here that Spaceboy found their own sacred places, which they named Blashyrkh.” Uh-huh. Was that before or after a day of surfing and destroying? Anyway, musically, Spaceboy are just about as innovative and interesting as their press-kit hyperbole. Murky, heavy riff rock like a poor man’s Death Metal fills the CD, interspersed with attempts at the Mahavisnu Orchestra’s trippy jams. Guitarist Adam Cantwell played in an early incarnation of the Fucking Champs — a fact Spaceboy make abundantly clear in their packaging — but, there’s little of any guitar precision herein…it’s mostly just adequate heavy jam rock. Keep on searching that Stone Library dudes, but beware the Green Page of Illusion…I’m told it’s a plus-twelve Cleric, and your Dungeon Master just might fuck you up by reloading the Bong of Not Going to Practice. (Southern Lord, HYPERLINK http://www.southernlord.com www.southernlord.com) Dave Clifford

FLEX TIME Arriving At The Punk Scene CD
Arriving At The Punk Scene...really? Well, I was just leaving--take my seat. (some Japanese symbols record label) Dave Clifford

The Soul Cleansing Sounds Of...

You know, I thought that I'd come up with a pretty comprehensive list of bad band names over the years -- see list here -- but this Dutch band really takes the, um, cake:



In fact, The Schytts, fittingly bedecked in matching brown outfits, seems like such an absurdity that I'd originally thought it was fake. Yes, smarmy smartasses, I do realize that they speak a different language and hence The Schytts could very well mean "The Strokes" in Dutch. I dunno. Irregardlessness, I did some investigating and discovered that The Schytts was indeed a real band from the Netherlands in the mid-70s. Check 'em out here:

www.myspace.com/theschytts

More Gore

Ah, those glorious pre-teen years: the folly of youth, the awkwardly high voices and bad haircuts, the poorly executed special effects and blood stains on your clothes... What, you didn't make gore films when you were 13-years-old? Alright, well, my friend Mike Lauter and I were nerds, obsessed with David Cronenberg, George Romero, Tom Savini, Fangoria, zombies, EC Comics, etc. We started making Super 8 films every weekend from third grade on, starting with sci-fi battle stories (basically an excuse to practice stop-motion effects and use sewing needles to scratch "lasers" onto the film) and working our way into horror by fifth grade. We didn't have any money for a budget (unless we skipped lunches during the week), so nearly all of the make-up effects and props were made using household materials.

These are two such films, "The Gut Retcher" and "Land Of The Dead 2" that Mike and I made under the auspices of our More Gore Productions, with the invaluable assistance of any friends and neighbors that were available that day. Mike would usually direct, we'd "write" out the story lines together the night before and he would compose the soundtrack for each final film. To this day, Mike is still directing and scoring his own films. They're much, much better than these. We owed considerable thanks to Mike's parents who let us constantly mess things up in their house, garage and yard. And, also to Mike's dad, who shot the exploding (so-very-realistic-looking) zombie head with his shotgun. They must've thought we would grow up to be serial killers.

"Land of the Dead 2" -- you don't want to see part 1 -- starts at 2:05. It's much more, uh, sophisticated than "The Gut Retcher." And, how about that mohawk?

Eat, Eat, Emit - Repeat; Or, Transformed Latitudes

This somewhat random graffiti seemed to effectively sum up the consumptive doldrums I've been feeling of late for the loving embrace of basic survival: eat, eat, emit.

This coupled with the imperium delirium of rampant paranoia and fear about Silverlake assaults, economic collapse, growing socio-economic tensions in Echo Park, the sky falling and myriad other Big Bad Wolves at the door -- it was the perfect time for a vacation!


Viva Casa Iguana.


Life's a beer commercial.


En Route. The "progress" map had Disneyland listed as an actual city.


Sunburnt, but unextinguished.


Waiting to dine at the waterfront from which inchoate ancestors crawled.


"OMG, it's you in a bathing suit!!" Get over it.

Quantity not Quality... or, "brain food" you know?

It has recently been brought to my attention that I'm not "blogosphering" here quite enough. Well, thanks, I appreciate your loyal readership of my humble little brahhg, but I'm in it for the quality of posts, not the quantity. I've got a couple of new pieces I'm working on and they'll be up soon. In the meantime, I believe this is a fitting fast fix:

Denny's slammed by breakfast giveaway

A college student who identified himself as DeShawn told CNN affiliate KFSN-TV in Fresno, California, that he came out for the free breakfast "to do better in class -- brain food, you know?"

From top to bottom, inside and out, I don't think I've seen a more incredible slice of life in quite some time.

Ripped From the Headlines!

At risk of evoking Jay Leno here, I've embarked upon collecting some of the absurd (for one reason or another) headlines that I see on RSS news feeds. These are actual headlines, no alterations made whatsoever... my comments in parentheses.


Black community denied water for years

Girls who go to church work harder

Colossal squid out of the freezer

Acid pain

Alcohol squad to target 10 towns

Tom Cruise says grew up wanting to kill Hitler

China added to space debris

Living with the white dust

Pope Benedict XVI says sexual abuse scandal caused him shame

The essential ingredients of a man cave

Russian wakes up after drinking binge to find knife in back

Penis theft panic hits city.

As Economy Slows, So Do Laser Eye Surgeries

A card sent by Anne Frank turns up in a Dutch antique shop


Whoever wins, prepare for a letdown

End of cheap

Parents warned about sleeping with infants

Should you really take those drug samples?


Recorded crime falls by 12% to five-year low
...(But unrecorded crime is at an all-time high!)

Livin' La Vida Photo

Welcome to Target's Black Metal aisle.


...And far every other day.