Ripped From the Headlines!

At risk of evoking Jay Leno here, I've embarked upon collecting some of the absurd (for one reason or another) headlines that I see on RSS news feeds. These are actual headlines, no alterations made whatsoever... my comments in parentheses.


Black community denied water for years

Girls who go to church work harder

Colossal squid out of the freezer

Acid pain

Alcohol squad to target 10 towns

Tom Cruise says grew up wanting to kill Hitler

China added to space debris

Living with the white dust

Pope Benedict XVI says sexual abuse scandal caused him shame

The essential ingredients of a man cave

Russian wakes up after drinking binge to find knife in back

Penis theft panic hits city.

As Economy Slows, So Do Laser Eye Surgeries

A card sent by Anne Frank turns up in a Dutch antique shop


Whoever wins, prepare for a letdown

End of cheap

Parents warned about sleeping with infants

Should you really take those drug samples?


Recorded crime falls by 12% to five-year low
...(But unrecorded crime is at an all-time high!)

Livin' La Vida Photo

Welcome to Target's Black Metal aisle.


...And far every other day.

I think I'm becoming someone else...

(This is an odd little "short story" bit I found in an old journal, written in 1994...I think I knew what it meant back then.)

Mom and Dad are laughing as they comb your hair, and delight over hot-wired promises and southern stars too thick for constellations.

The months under quarantine, with eyes like glowing spires, the tickle of nothing waiting to welcome us seems natural to me. At least when you smile, and the sky smears across your glasses, you're stalled in transformation. It's hidden, out of my way, like mousetraps. At the same time, I still find myself on my knees, hungry for reservation. And, I'm still growing on the inside. Touched so soothingly by every cell's secret mutiny, I think I'm becoming someone else.

Is this the way you prefer I tell you? I know how you insist. But here even our fingernails are clean and everyone who coughs floats like trained horses.

I can feel it like little hints whispered with a thumb pressed to the back of my neck.

The Good Ol' Daves

Way back in the early 1990's, while in college and living in the hippie repository called Boulder, Colorado, out of boredom, inspired by the jarring chaos of the L.A. riots and in some kind of existential crisis wherein I felt a necessity to fuck with the normals (as if they'd actually have their minds blown by something they couldn't understand) I ran for the university's student council under a false name and wearing a mask. The character's name was Brandon Panzram -- first name inspired by a lead character from the then popular teen drama Beverly Hills 90210 and last name by a longtime favorite serial killer, Carl Panzram.

A friend reminded me of this prank campaign recently and I "googled" the name, and found an article published in the student newspaper. Here's the full text:


####===================================================================####
Masked Radical Seeks Office
####===================================================================####

Article taken from the Campus Press, C.U.'s campus newspaper:

Masked Radical Seeks Office

By Michael Noe
Campus Press Staff Writer

A Masked man is mounting a campaign to "control and dominate" the
students of C.U., but he needs their support to do it.

Brandon Panzram, a senior philosophy and business major, is running
for one of five open positions as representative-at-large in the student
government Legislative Council.

Panzram (a false name) said he and 24 other members of his
"Mediocre Party" plan to unify and strengthen the student body by forcing
students to join their party or get "thrown out on some ridiculous charge."

"We will be able to manage larger-based control and domination from
the council," he said.

Panzram said he supports diversity and change, as the rest of the
candidates do. To ensure diversity, he said he wants to take people from
different segments of society and "corral them" to address their concerns
and problems.

Panzram said he wants to rid the campus of the business school and
art school.

His campaign flier asks, "are you in a band? Do you paint? You're
an artist?

"Art, along with God and culture, is dead. Creativity cannot be
taught, or even 'harnessed' as the pathetic art failures which teach it
will argue," the flier states.

He said he is using the spectacle of a false name and secret
identity to take over and dominate the media and eventually take control of
the student union.

Panzram said he would use the Imig Music building for blackjack
tables, since he advocates on-campus gambling. He would also use the
Sibell Wolle Fine Arts building for offices to retrain students who
"believe what they see and hear."

Other issues Panzram supports are:

- Declaring Tuesday Environmental Havoc Day.

- Declaring Thursday Vandalism Day.

- Requiring an all-school uniform. All students would be required to
wear "clean, pressed, logo-enhanced sexually androgynous work suits.

- Offering classes on how to maximize the efficiency of gun and drug
use.

More Band Names for Bands

Band Names for Bands:

Gateway Doug

Picnic At the Disco

Genital Traffic

You're the Best!


Some Hip-Hop and rapper names:

Ms. PronunSHEayshun

Akshualitay feat. Evian and Tourniquet


Star Spangled Boner

Radical Posterior

Gnarlbog

Computers


The Vagina Dialogues

Legal Anarchy

A Serious Trickle

Someone Still Loves You Phil Collins

Abraham Nixon

Parking Lot! Parking Lot! Parking Lot!
iGod
Mimebomb
The Tolerated
My Life In Lyrics

The Delicate Fratboy

The Barnacle Thing

Dimmu Borgnine

The Stereotykes
Delicious Mourning
Pickslide Epidemic

Don't Doubt the Dolphin


The Creative Juices
Explosions In This Guy

Fluffy Planets
Revenge Gallon
Hair Poncho

Defiantly Interested
The Carcinojams
Rotator Cuspidor
Phalanx of Pheromones

Dick Justice

Jihad Is My Copilot
The Guynarcologists
Night Snacker
Three Car Pilaf
Blog Control Center

Male Pattern Blandness
Reggie Min and the Hard Workouts
The White Boy Soul Patch Revue


The Insufficient Funs
Safety!
Yesterday's Jews
Stevie, Nicks and Young

Fart

Gauge Against the Machine

We're With Stupid
Plus Sizes
The Old Testament
Night Danger

Corn
Van Hailing
Forensic Pizza
A Wise Investment
Sky Miles

Haluciphoning
It's Flag Day Somewhere

Scratch 'n' Sniff
The Bathed

Mmmmm... Breakfast
Throat Dangler

The Forget Me Nazis

Urinal Cruelty
Psychic Nutritionalist
Midwife Crisis
Religious Juice

Alice In Jeans

The Wholetruth & Nothingbutt (a Rap duo)
Colloquialism
Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Al Quadi
Yesterday's Nuge
The Wedlocksmiths
Tedious Ex-Junkies & Their Stories
Back In the Noose
10,000 Flushes

Tardis

Gown Syndrome
Bush Approval
The Courage to Be Stoked
Present & A-Countried For (alt-country outfit)
The Fliered
Something Stinks
Older Than Jesus, Younger Than Sin
The Corduroy Pillows ("We're Making Headlines!")
The Google Search

The Truth About Hiking
Chocolate Science
Barf Time!
Make Me An Offer
Merch Victim
Clogged with Hair
Don't Tell My Parents
Who's Taller?
Tumble Dry Low
Big Tobacco
Let's Try Video Poker
Logos for Losers
Rather Be Turquoise
Mall Caulk
Too Serious
Guitar Nectar
The Fortune In Sweat
Totally Feelin' It
Nazi Gold
I've Got Pants in My Angst
We Wear Band T-Shirts

Puberty
The Quaranteens
Totally Tired
The Forbidden Fruits
Ironica
Flesh Thanks!
Portal Party
Believe You Me
Sonograms Don't Lie
Danzig's Book Collection
Validation!
Mostly Money
Suicible Tendancies
The Sharp Fleshed Men
Mediocre
Respect For Dinner

Footless

Escape From Underwear

Marmed Mutton

Solid Waste

Neverland Raunch

Huey Newton & the Lews

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo

Bonnie Tiler


Chocolate Science, the Aftermath

Target Market

Saffron's Not So Special

Night Wife

Adjusted Gross Income

Venture Capital and the Uniform Accountancy Act

Tommorrow's Another Word for You Ditched Our Show


The Amplified


Let's do this, people!

To kick off my new blahg, I figured I might as well start off with my very own...

New Year's Resolutions for 2009:

Really, seriously, no fucking around this year: find that box of money

Live each day like it won't last

Ask someone who gives a shit

Get that fake baseball/golfball out of rear windshield

Finally reply to that Nigerian Prince's emails

Start every sentence with, "Considering the state of the economy..."

Vow to hunt down and waterboard torture anyone who mixes up your/you're as well as their/there/they're ...(because their fucked)

Determine with 100% certainty if I'm ticklish

Have my carbon footprint bronzed

Keep my friends close and my frenemies closer

Follow that Australian guy's lead and pay all my bills in spider drawings

Start a drunk driving steering committee

Take it to the limit, one more time